Which way does your compass point?
The shame compass, that is.
When we have experiences that are difficult for us to tolerate and interpret, sometimes feelings of shame are activated. Shame is a very strong universal feeling.
According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It's an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world and our relationships.
We each respond to feelings of shame in various ways and to various degrees.
Shame continues to survive and thrive when there is secrecy, silence and judgement (Brene Brown). We can treat ourselves in this way or others can do it to us, or both. But these are the things required to keep shame alive, to fuel its’ hungry, devastating appetite.
When shame is activated in us, we can respond in a number of ways - see The Compass of Shame diagram below.
Pause here and have a think about how you might behave when your shame is activated.
In order to pull back from shame spirals and to prevent ourselves from falling into these shame responses above, we need empathy and compassion. The antidote to shame is empathy - they cannot exist at the same time. It might be extremely uncomfortable for someone who is so used to living in and with shame, to be able to receive empathy and compassion. It might even feel threatening to their system in some way, as it is new and untrustworthy or people have misused that previously in their lives. And so sometimes, we must tread carefully, slowly, gently. In incremental drips.
You can practice pulling back from a shame spiral by:
treating yourself the way you would treat someone you care about
reaching out to someone you trust
sharing your story
These first, initial baby steps are key. Slow and steady here.
Reaching out and sharing, either verbally, written, in person, in a group setting, online, or however it is appropriate for you, can sound so overwhelming - especially if our compass points us in the direction of wanting to run and hide. That’s the whole point. These gentle, tiny steps are designed to keep us connected to self and others during a very vulnerable and triggered response time. When connection and empathy exist, shame cannot.
Hear it again: when connection and empathy are present, shame cannot be.
For much more reading and resources on this, explore Brene Brown’s work in her books, podcasts, YouTube interviews and know that you are not alone, and that there is a way out.
