The Dirty Word Series #2: Compassion.
Here we are again, folks, for another round of The Dirty Word Series. And it is probably no surprise to many of you that compassion is the first cab off the rank! How does this word hit home for you? What does it bring up for you?
Often, compassion has been thought of as ‘soft, caring, gentle’ or even stem from religious connotations. For some, it might be considered ‘fluffy, airy-fairy, or woo’. For others, it might even be seen as a sign of weakness. I cannot tell you the number of people who have told me that they think if they feel (let alone express) compassion to someone that it means they are ‘giving up/in’ or conceding, or that it is not holding another person/group to account for their actions.
There are also lots of articles about how empathy, sympathy and compassion differ. I’m not going to get into that here, but needless to say, yes, they are all different and commonly misunderstood or misused interchangeably. Google it.
Eastern philosophies and gurus have encouraged us to evoke and practice more compassion in our lives for centuries. But why? And what does it mean? And how?
What actually is compassion?
Compassion is not an emotion. It is a state of mind. Compassion allows us to understand where people are coming from, feel genuine concern, and can move us to take action to help them flourish. Humans inherently seek connection with each other, individually and communally, and it is through compassion that this connection comes to fruition.
Compassion is deliberate. It is a conscious engagement of the thought process that brings in a heart and somatic element. It is something we can cultivate - a practice. It helps alleviate suffering. It can bypass differences. Compassion is action oriented. It is a connection invitation.
Let that soak in for a hot minute.
Compassion (to self or others) challenges and removes judgement. Compassion is about acceptance of what is. It is about connecting to others’ humanity. But the reality is, that it (yes, annoyingly), really does start inside of ourselves, with practicing a gentleness in small ways at first (with transformational results), then with those closest to us, then less close, then with strangers, then those we’d rather not have compassion for at all. Just because we don’t like someone, doesn’t mean they don’t suffer in those deeper human ways, too.
Compassion can be fierce af.
Pity the fool who can misinterpret compassion for weakness. It is not to be confused with ‘letting people off’ or rolling over. Compassion, done right, is used to lovingly hold people (and ourselves) to account, too. Radical acceptance of ourselves or another human being is fundamental. It does not mean that a behaviour is accepted or tolerated when it is not ok. Many times it involves separating the person from the behaviour.
Compassion can also be activating. Ever felt inspired or motivated to take action or change something that was not quite right? Whether on behalf of yourself or another person/group? Compassion is not an experience to be taken lightly or underestimated. Compassion can also lead to activism and a little domino effect of change, locally or globally.
Self Compassion
Self compassion. starts with us, obvs. It is very difficult when shame is present. So a lot of work and self development needs to be undertaken to start shedding those shame layers and develop some insight.
There are also some unexpected benefits from compassion. Research shows that when you practice compassion for others, you benefit alongside the person receiving the compassion. Your health and overall well-being, as well your relationships, improve. Lower levels of anxiety and depression have been observed in people with higher self-compassion. Self-compassionate people recognize when they are suffering and are kind to themselves at these times, thereby lowering their own levels of related anxiety and depression. Some refer to compassion as neuroscience’s latest frontier and point to a growing body of research that suggest it could even be the key to happiness and longevity. Compassion is the ultimate win-win.
So how to do it?
Like with many things we say here, slow down. It start with pausing, noticing your pace. Take a breath.
Take a moment to think about how you treat yourself when you make a mistake or fail to reach a goal. If you tend to beat yourself up when things go wrong, you, like most people, could benefit from a wee bit more self compassion. Just saying. Yes, this could even be on the pathway to self forgiveness, but we’ll save that for another day. Try saying comforting phrases like you would to a small child trying something, such as ‘good try, you made a big effort, you really did your best, that was monumental given the circumstances’, etc.
Nourish and move your body. Even a little bit, whenever you can. This is the system and machine that carries you around each day. Show it some love and gratitude. Treat it with respect. Thank it. Literally talk to it if you need to.
Encourage yourself. What would say to a good friend if they were facing a difficult or stressful situation. Then, when you find yourself in this kind of situation, direct these compassionate responses toward yourself.
Practice being mindful whenever possible. Without having to sit still with your eyes closed for 15 minutes, you can be mindful in all sorts of activities. Bring your attention to whatever it is you are doing FULLY.
So go on, give it try. What’s the worst that could happen?
Just do what you can. And if you can’t, that’s ok, still treat yourself with compassion and acknowledge your efforts and intentions. And keep trying.
