The Dirty Word Series: 4. Assertiveness.
A person who knows that they want or need, who has opinions and can speak them, who stands up for themselves or others when required, who holds their position and claims their space. This, is assertiveness. This, is healthy.
Assertiveness has too long been misused and wrongly associated with aggression, especially for women.
Historically when women, in almost any setting, stand up for themselves they are attacked and bullied for being aggressive. Similarly for queer or other marginalised folks, the general public and generic response is often along the lines of “Geez calm down”, “Can’t take a joke huh”, “Don’t get your knickers in a twist”, “What’s the matter, didn’t get laid” or “They just need a good root”. Admittedly the last couple are thankfully dying out but sadly you’ll still hear them in some circles.
People often accuse womxn of being arrogant or selfish when they really want to attack her confidence or keep her in her ‘place’. These attacks and shaming tactics often do sadly become barriers for womxn learning how to healthily establish themselves in relationships, families, friendships, workplaces and society. There is fear of “making a scene”, not wanting to rock the boat. It is commonly confused with being stubborn and not budging. These factors are common in intimate relationships where the other person might even be using these phrases to get what they want (eg. “You always make a big deal over nothing”).
Let’s refresh:
Your opinions, needs, wants are not nothing.
You are worth raising them. If you don’t, who will?
You can still express this calmly and kindly. Raising a need or voicing an opinion or stance does not make you un-compassionate person. These things can exist simultaneously.
Womxn who may not have been raised with or taught how to practice healthy assertiveness may find they struggle to practice this in adulthood. Unsurprisingly, they might not receive much support to learn this skill along the way. Society has been predominantly ruled by men who have enjoyed ruling society, so the risk of raising assertive womxn who speak their minds clearly and calmy, even daring to have opinions that are in opposition to theirs, is too great a threat (tongue in cheek, sorry not sorry).
In the world of communication there are three basic styles: Passive, Aggressive and Assertive.
Passive is over-accommodating to the needs, wants, feelings or experiences of the other person, even at their own expense. They don’t express their needs and this can lead to resentment and being taken advantage of, even by well meaning people who are unaware of that persons’ needs.
Aggressive is expressing that only one persons’ needs and wants matter, often using any means of language (or other) in order to achieve that. The other person may be bullied and their needs ignored. An aggressive style is about dominance. It is also often peppered with various degrees of competitiveness, entitlement, righteousness and control. And at its worst, violence. It is ineffective and rarely gets the desired outcome. It can be intimidating, threatening, manipulating and is almost always childish, sometimes even ridiculous. Sometimes it is plain mean and hostile.
Assertive is the healthy middle ground of holding your own space. Of standing on your own two feet and feeling comfortable to do so. In communication, it is more of a win-win, firm but fair, clear and contained approach. It emphasises the importance of both people’s needs and is based on mutual respect. Here a person expresses their own side, but listens to the others’. It includes a willing to negotiate or compromise when needed.
But being assertive and having a sense of assertiveness is not just about communication. It is about the way we hold ourselves as we walk through life. Some might associate this deeper sense of assertiveness with a sense of self-esteem, self-worth, integrity and confidence. These are both contributing and perpetuating factors to healthy assertiveness. Assertiveness is an act of self care and self compassion. It demonstrates that you respect yourself enough to stand up for it. It is also about taking responsibility for yourself.
A precursor to embodying assertiveness is first knowing oneself (needs, desires, boundaries, values, limits, pursuits, drivers, etc). We become much clearer about what we need to stand up for or express when we have spent time getting to know it first. Otherwise we run the risk of being vulnerable to others exploits, dominance or agenda, or seen as directionless or a pushover.
Like with everything there is a balance and spectrum. There are times when tending more towards a passive approach is required, even submissive - this might be seen in survival modes where our fawn response may kick in. It might be the safest option at the time. And we thank our bodies for that. Other times tending more towards an aggressive approach is required - this might be seen in crisis situations when faced with a shock trauma and you need yourself or another person to act fast and immediately. A wide variety of possibilities exist. It’s when we find ourselves stuck in one style or mode for too long combined with the fact that it might no longer be serving us as it once may have, that things become unhealthy.
Research tells us that folks who express assertiveness are more respected and liked by others. They maintain quality relationships, both professionally and personally. They invest time and energy thoughtfully and often get more back in return. They feel more satisfied with their daily life. They feel more in control of their path (as much as any of us can be), like at least they’ve put themselves out there. They have improved mental health and wellbeing. They are less likely to second guess themselves. They are more likely to treat others with the same respect they show themselves, and they are more likely to operate inclusively towards others, inviting their opinions and needs to the forefront. They are more likely to achieve goals rather than await the perfect combination of circumstances.
There’s a lot out there on being assertive and what it means, tips on how to do it, etc. Here, the message is this: assertiveness is about reestablishing who you are and what you want for yourself and your life. These are attitudes, feelings and beliefs before they are words, communication or actions. It starts more deeply within.
It takes time, willingness and patience to grow this self awareness with practice. It takes taking an interest in oneself, and perhaps that’s the first act of assertiveness - standing up for that choice and giving yourself permission to do so. Setting aside time to be with yourself and know yourself more and more. Practice how you sound, look and feel when you speak your needs or opinions out loud. Use a mirror, touch your body, feel the vibrations on your throat. Fine tune. Enjoy the exploration.
Notice the difference when you speak from a grounded place of assertiveness compared to blindly agreeing to something, swallowing your real thoughts or opinions, or speaking in elevated, stressed tones. Notice how it feels. Own your lioness stance.
