The Dirty Word Series: 3. Needs.
Needs. We all have them. Fact. It’s whether we choose (or allow ourselves?) to tune into them, be aware of them, listen to them, let alone voice or act upon them in order to meet them; those are the real questions.
The waters can get even muddier when we add gender into the mix. As explored in previous posts in The Dirty Word Series, women are carefully and yet also blatantly conditioned to put their needs second (or last) or flat out ignore them and pretend they don’t exist. This suppression can only last for so long. How often have you not gone to the toilet and put it off for something or someone else, when you really needed to go?
Needs can get muddled up with wants and desires too. You have probably heard of Maslow’s Heirarchy of needs: A colourful pyramid that outlines every humans’ needs from basic to enlightened (pictured below). This can help identify what a need might be compared to a want, although I’d argue some things listed (like intimacy or career) can be wants or desires also. Needs can overlap with some of the other Dirty Words in our series: pleasure, space. Needs can also be expressed through assertiveness and by setting boundaries too. Needs might even be the Dirtiest Word of them all.
Why? Because we cannot escape them. That’s why they’re called needs. We can try, very hard sometimes, to deny ourselves of our needs. Or pretend we don’t need something to make ourselves feel better about not having it, or having it right this very second. But deep down, if you take the time to slow down and be honest with yourself in private, you will more than likely find you really do need or desire that thing. (Unless you are a psychopath, and that’s a whole other blog post). And it is commonly wrapped up in human connection in some way, shape or form.
Some folks might brazenly wander through life consciously denying or avoiding that they have all sorts of needs. You might hear it expressed in comments like, ‘I don’t need love’, ‘Who needs family anyway’, ‘I like things just the way they are’, ‘Not everyone gives a sh!t about their careers’, etc. People might even tease others for identifying or working towards meeting some needs: ‘I can’t believe you actually want that promotion’, ‘What you want to live there for?’, ‘I guess some people might want that lifestyle’. You might even be able to relate to a time when you expressed a need and got ridiculed or shut down about it. How did this affect you?
While we are all unique individuals, yes, on our own journeys, yes, and do not have to be cookie cutter clones, yes, absolutely. However if you catch yourself or another person saying something like the above comments, it usually is coming from a place of Shame, Pain, Avoidance or Fear. Or what I like to call, SPAF.
Other times ignoring and dismissing our thoughts, feelings, and needs may have been adaptive in certain situations, especially in childhood. Maybe you grew up in an authoritarian home, had to care for an unwell parent, or learned that maintaining peace meant minimizing your needs (and yourself). This may have become your default method of operating and perceiving the world, which perpetuates this cycle of not listening to ourselves. You also might not listen to yourself because you’re afraid of what you’ll hear. Or because we assume that everyone else knows better than we do.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
It is also very important to note, that sometimes others may have neglected, removed or abused our needs. This warps our trust in knowing and believing what we need to be valid and worthy. And we may stop trying.
We may eventually leave circumstances where that treatment may have occurred, only to find ourselves reenacting those same behaviours towards ourselves! We may take some time to heal. And here, healing means, finding ways to reconnect to your most basic, primitive, human self. Starting small, simply, with the basics, and building from there.
Sometimes I will ask a person, ‘What is it that you think you might need right now/ in that situation?’ Many times over the response is, ‘I don’t know’. However the answer is there. In order to find it, we need to tune in, sometimes deeply and for a long time. Like going into the inner cave of ourselves. When we start to pay attention, ask the question and listen, our ‘self’ will speak to us. When was the last time you checked in with your thoughts and feelings? When was the last time you expressed an opinion? When was the last time you considered your needs and actually met them?
One of the main points here is this: we cannot shy away from our needs. And when we do, we are living inauthentically to ourselves, we are not showing ourselves care and respect. We will inevitably find that it builds resentment or jealousy in some way, either towards ourselves or others, and could damage relationships.
Once you have spent time figuring out what your needs are at any given moment (and it is a moment to moment process sometimes), the next secret is to start owning them. Really step into them. We all know the feeling of getting hangry when we’ve ignored our stomach’s messages. If you’re hungry, eat! If you’re tired, sleep! If you want quality, in depth friendships, invest in them! If you need a break, take one! Once you start stepping into owning your needs, you are stepping into self-responsibility, self-expression, wholeness and your own power more. You are radiating with the truth of yourself.
A thread here could easily get pulled into instant gratification conversations. I’m not necessarily talking about that. You might have long term needs of stability and be working towards a house deposit. That does not come instantly. But you can choose to respect and honour that need by making changes in your current moments, for example.
“In life, we must first learn to crawl, then stand, then walk, then run, and only then, fly. We cannot crawl into flying.”
―RVM
Tips on how to start listening to your needs:
Look for clues. Consider if your words match your actions. How do you feel after doing, saying or agreeing to something? Feeling resentful, irritable, or uninterested, vs enthusiastic and positive.
Are there physical aches and pains, such as headaches, chest discomfort, and gastrointestinal issues? When we’re not listening to our emotions, they can express themselves through various somatic concerns. This is the body’s way of getting the mind’s attention.
Journal. Free flow. Unscripted, unfiltered, no performing, no audience. Just you.
Ease into it. Don’t overwhelm your system with trying to face the most traumatic thing. Start with reflecting on something that’s a level 3 or 4 on a 10-point distress scale.
Check in throughout the day. Do a body or sensory scan. Create time and space to check in with ourselves, feel what we’re really feeling, and ask ourselves what really matters to us. Incorporate these into the day so it is workable and doesn’t feel like something too onerous.
Remind yourself. Post it notes. Calendar reminders. Bathroom or fridge messages. Ask yourself, literally, “How are you feeling today? What does your gut say? What do you want right now? What are you needing in this moment?” Your opinions, needs and desires matter.
Pick processes and methods that come naturally to you. Choose practices that feel accessible and enjoyable to you, and have the least barriers.
Be non-judgemental towards yourself with what you find. If you need to blow off steam and be angry, find suitable time and space for that. If you need to curl up on the couch and cry, read or watch a funny movie, do it with fullness and non-judgement.
And as an important side note, having needs is not to be confused with neediness. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You have a right to all of your needs.
I think this blog post really needed to be shared.
