The Dirty Word Series: 5. Space.
Presumed it would be offensive to ask for more space from your partner/s? Conscious not to hurt their feelings? How would you even begin to consider bringing something like that up? What would ‘space’ even look like for you?
Tough territory, admittedly.
Especially if this hasn’t been raised before and is new content for your relationship/s.
However, space has traditionally copped a bad review (hence being included in The Dirty Word Series) as implying certain things. Space has previously, usually mistakenly, implied that your feelings for your partner/s have changed; you want to re-evaluate the relationship; you are withdrawing; you are giving the silent treatment; you are being sulky; you are being avoidant; you disagree with something; or you are seeing other/s.
And to be fair, if folks have misused the request for or concept of space, then yes, some of the above may have been accurate. However, asking for or seeking space in intimate relationships is not meant to be designed as a tactic for control or manipulation, nor as an exit strategy. Healthy space exists. It is valid in its’ own right, we just don’t talk about it that much.
Dominant society has conditioned us to believe that intimate relationships require us to live together, do activities together, understand each other all the time, know each other’s every move, be accessible and responsive to your partner'/s’ (almost) every need. Exhausting! And unhealthy.
Contrary to popular belief, space can actually create closer connections.
By encouraging yourself and your partner/s to cultivate healthy space, you are fostering empowering dynamics that show you value yourself and your partner/s. Even when you are not joined at the hip. This can be suffocating for some and misunderstood by others; *cue attachment style triggers.
You may have heard of Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages, describing the ways we care for each other through: quality time; acts of service; gifts; words of affirmation; physical touch.
However maybe some of you may relate to this: If you love someone, sometimes you have to leave them alone! It may seem counter-intuitive. And sometimes we may feel guilty for asking. Or enjoying the night home alone we get when our partner'/s is running late or has their own commitment. We revel in our own free time and space! You are not alone.
Here are some concepts to consider that are connected to this dirty word:
Love needs boundaries. Being considered “available” even when you’re in the same house is common. You might not want to be interrupted from whatever you’re doing to hear a Facebook post update. Learn to say with loving kindness what you need and when you are ready for communication. You are still entitled to your own work/creative/rest space even in a shared living environment.
Demanding all of someone’s time is not love. It is selfish. Your partner/s need people in their lives to allow space to simply be or do their own thing, instead of assuming they’re always free. Relationship/s can get worn thin with demands. Nobody can offer their most vibrant and outwards focussed, best self every waking hour. Loving someone calls for a little patience and self-sufficiency on your part.
Desire your loved one/s to flourish, even without you. Remember that feeling when you first met, how impressed you were with that person/s because of the things that fired them up or they enjoyed doing? Encouraging them to continue to things or find new ones is vital for their wellbeing and growth. You will also get a chance to build up stories to share with each other upon a reunion as well as a chance to miss each other. And yes, it’s humbling to remember, that they can (and do) exist without you too. You might find it increases your gratitude towards each other.
Atypical minds or personalities may need more. Those on the spectrum, with anxiety, depression or other mental health concerns, or who have high social intelligence, spend SO MUCH energy accommodating everyone else’s social expectations and to acknowledge or mirror everyone else’s love languages. When someone becomes overstimulated, or trapped socially (even with loved ones), they will start to show it whether it’s by getting irritable, tuning out, walking away or building resentment. Tune into their needs and cues and maybe even start to anticipate this by creating early interventions or preventative strategies of space.
Support daily decompression. Critical for functioning, full stop. It’s self care for you and your relationship. There’s a greater chance they will come back to you more grounded and settled, ready to hear or attend to your needs too. Loving someone calls for a little patience and self-sufficiency on your part.
Solitude is switching off. Most of us don’t truly relax anymore unless we’re completely alone — when we have nobody else to worry about and we finally let our guard down. That’s often tricky to do with someone else around, even your closest person/s. If you love someone, part of you is always paying attention to them, especially when you’re sharing the same space. You’re on. Encouraging healthy solitude time sends a message of safety - “I’m recharging or just being. I’ll be back.”
It may be a privilege or luxury that some of us do not have access to: living in separate houses, sleeping in separate rooms, or at least having a break out area. But perhaps there are other ways to create space for each other and yourself within your relationship/s: a roster for the lounge; alternating weekends away; no check-ins when you’re out with your friends.
Whatever it is, start to practice the art of space. Even incrementally. Notice what happens to yourself and your relationship. It might take some getting used to at first, but I daresay you may even begin to crave it once you get a taste. And remember, that’s not bad. That’s not dirty. It’s normal, human and healthy.
