The Dirty Word Series: 2. Boundaries.

Ah boundaries. Often misunderstood or misapplied for simply keeping things separate or ‘out’.

Boundaries have become a dirty word because they have been accused of being too firm, too rigid, too aggressive, too unfair, too blurry, too incongruent, too sloppy, too false, too untrustworthy, too unnecessary… the full spectrum.

Where you choose to set and hold a boundary for yourself, you choose yourself. Traditionally, this has been ridiculed as selfish - a(nother dirty word) word many womxn and folks immediately launch into defensiveness, justifications or denial about. Let’s clear that up. When you choose yourself, you are growing your self worth and showing your most basic, primary value. That you are important and that you matter. No-one else can make or uphold your boundaries for you, nor do they truly know what boundaries you need or desire. Only you do. And even that can take time to figure out.

But let’s be real for a minute… sometimes others might cross our boundaries without our permission (in fact often), and this is one of the main ways we find out what our boundaries are and where we stand on things. Having a boundary crossed or misused is awful, yes. But as we heal from that, we can begin again and reclaim choice and control about boundaries, perhaps in a new and different way.

Boundaries are one of the most rudimentary expressions of self-care. That’s right. Saying ‘no’ to that RSVP, or ‘I am at capacity right now’ to a colleague or manager, or ‘I actually feel like Italian tonight and we have chosen what you’d like the past few times’, are actually forms of establishing ground rules for yourself and others to play by. People need to know the rules in order to know how to play. Otherwise it’s just chaos. The same approach applies for boundaries. People need boundaries to know how to engage with you and for you to know how you want to engage with others (and even yourself). They make people feel safe.

When people say one thing and do another, integrity is questioned and people don’t feel safe or like they can build trust. Just like when people think or feel one thing, and then act differently, this is incongruent too. This is you not being true to yourself or living with full authenticity and integrity. You have crossed your own boundary somewhere. You didn’t really want to help that friend clean up their place because you are bone tired and just got home. But you said yes. Why?

Boundaries often get crossed, bent or moved within ourselves when we put others’ needs above and before our own. We compromise. Sometimes compromise is healthy in terms of balance and shared support. Sometimes friends, family or colleagues really do need our help or something from us and we have to dig deep for that moment or period of time. However, we can all relate to times when we did something we didn’t want to do or realised in hindsight that we should have said no…. We ended up exhausting ourselves, spending too much money, having an argument, resenting the person, feeling fake, feeling guilty, resenting ourselves afterwards, feeling shameful… the downside to living with false boundaries is that ultimately our self respect, self confidence and self awareness becomes eroded over time. We lose trust in ourselves.

There are boundaries we set in advance and those we make on the fly. There are certain values or components of life we might spend time reflecting on or thinking ahead into where we imagine hypotheticals and what we might do if placed in certain situations. Other times, like impromptu or pressured invitations or demands, we need to develop a faster (but accurate and authentically boundaried) response process.

Having the audacity (shock!) to say ‘this isn’t working for me anymore’ and choosing something better or different is admirable and necessary for an authentically values driven life.

Boundaries isn’t just about keeping things out. It is also about letting other things, those you really want or need, in. By saying no to XYZ, you are making space and room for inviting in or seeking out those things that you are truly more drawn to. How vital and wonderful is that!

Instead of conceptualising boundaries as closing you in and imposing limitations, boundaries actually open you up to more possibilities. They help safe guard you while you traverse, explore and go out to play. They help foster a strong sense of self, one that you can always come back to. Boundaries can also be refined and finely tuned as we carry on in life. What may have been ok with you 2 or 10 years ago, may no longer be ok for you today. And that is absolutely ok.

Being able to identify your boundaries and when they have been crossed is one of the first steps to establishing a closer relationship with this dirty word. Next being able to recognise the patterns and habits that have failed to support you, brings us more intimately connected with feelings of empowerment. Knowing what has worked and what hasn’t is powerful information to begin to engage with changes. Then if you need to, you are more able to engage in difficult conversations from a place of strength, kindness (towards self and others), clarity and confidence.

Where are some areas of your world (internal and external) that you may have felt the pinch of a boundary being crossed or pushed? What would you like to reclaim? Where would you rather be focussing your energy and attention on instead?