The Dirty Word Series: 1. Pleasure.
Welcome to The Dirty Word Series, where we deep dive into what these words really mean, what they have meant in dominant social discourse, why the taboo/ avoidance of them and open into the intrigue and enticing curiosity of what they could mean.
What a place to start. Pleasure. Possibly the dirtiest word of them all, especially for women. And why is that exactly?
Why the taboo, boo?
In our longstanding, permeating, dominant systems of patriarchy, women have been taught and conditioned to feel, think and believe certain things about the relationship between themselves and pleasure. Not just the first impression and assumption of sexual pleasure. All types of pleasure and pleasurable activities.
For example: Dominant messages to women throughout history: you must sacrifice, be a martyr, go second, put others’ needs before yours, constantly think of others, ignore or silence your own needs/wants/desires, wait your turn, (your turn may never come), work first play second, dinner first dessert second, be humble, be meek, be polite, be what others expect or shape you to be, be submissive, be direct-able, be dependent on someone else for all things. Patriarchy is not just a men vs women simplistic concept. It is about the social relations of power between men and women, women and women, and men and men. Many women [and other marginalised/oppressed minorities] may have fallen prey to the dominant views of men, believing and embodying them for themselves without even realising. I particularly appreciate the views of sociologist Sylvia Walby who defines patriarchy as "a system of social structures and practices in which men dominate, oppress, and exploit women". We all live under patriarchy, which is a rigid dichotomy of gender roles.
Female pleasure has also been posited under the reign of patriarchy in the sense that it exists to serve another persons’ (predominantly male)' pleasure. An insightful arthouse film, Female Pleasure, unpacks it well, sharing women’s experiences from a variety of cultural backgrounds in a 2018 movie. More recently, even Netflix has gotten behind a TV series, Sexify, where young women research the longstanding mythical female orgasm.
Women who are recovering from various abuses can be particularly disconnected from their pleasure senses and states. This can be for many reasons, and possibly dependent on the type of abuses that have occurred. Often our trauma responses play a role in numbing or disassociating our pleasure senses. Some women can feel undeserving and unworthy of any form of pleasure, joy or happiness. Some women may feel that it’s easier to just ‘get on with things’, ‘who needs pleasure anyway’, ‘things are fine just the way they are’ and my favourite, ‘I don’t have the time’. Some women’s sense of self may have been broken down and shattered so profoundly that they may not only deny themselves any form of pleasure, but turn this further into punishment, self loathing and self contempt. These attitudes and associated behaviours can permeate generations if modelled to other young women or children. And so another intergenerational cycle continues. You are also robbing yourself of healing and possibly mirroring the abuse of deprivation or restriction.
Excitingly, pleasure it not just simplistically about sexual pleasure. Although that remains highly important too, a basic human need, affirmed by Maslow.
For the purpose of our wellbeing, pleasure also refers to other senses and snippets, moments and mumbles. What do you like to savour on your tongue? What flavour of ice-cream or delicacy delights you? How do you like the air - warm, cool, fresh, strong wind? What about the lighting around you - dim, low, bright, sparkly, disco ball, candlelight, daylight, sunset, sunrise? When do you notice smells and aromas… when cooking, in nature, freshly washed clothes, cut grass, nice wine, art materials? How do you appreciate textures… fluffy, coarse, thick, light, snuggly, barely touching you? What sounds make you feel excited, calm, happy, empowered… rock music, silence, water running, laughter? Which relationships nourish and delight you, and give you pleasure?
Your senses can be awakened and heightened even for minuscule moments throughout the day or night, even (or particularly) as you go about your daily life. This should not be ‘reserved for special occasions’. Repeat, this should not be ‘reserved for special occasions’, or ‘when you have time’. The time is now. You could be enjoying, savouring and enhancing your access to receiving pleasure so much more. These are ways to reactivate a connection to oneself. To take yourself on a little journey or exploration of self and be open to remembering or finding what are all those little (or big) things that you really derive a deep, true sense of pleasure from.
The benefits of pleasure
This is one of the superpowers you can tap into. When you are open to these experiences, you may then even find and notice them more. (This is called the frequency bias and you can learn more about that here if you like.) You increase your opportunities for being truly present and mindful in those moments. You are depositing into the pleasure bank. You are adding tools to your self-soothing and self-regulating toolbox for when you need them later. You are on a path of self-discovery that no-one can take away from you. In doing so, you are also healing parts of yourself that you may have previously thought were dead or unlovable. You are literally demonstrating to yourself that “see, I am still alive, I exist. I can feel/smell/taste/touch/hear…” You are investing in yourself.
When we reactivate and reconnect to pleasure, we are also building self-trust. Self-trust comes from self-inquiry, acting/trialling and then knowing. You start to test things out: “I like this smell, not that one”, “oh I thought I’d like that experience but turns out I didn’t.” You are getting to really know yourself more and more, and that builds a solid foundation of self trust.
Hormonally you are critically improving your mood, sense of self and physical health by activating the chemicals produced by different glands across your body. They travel through the bloodstream, acting as messengers and playing a part in many bodily processes.
The “happy hormones” are known to promote happiness and pleasure (explained even further really well here by our friends at HappyFeed):
Dopamine. Known as the “feel-good” hormone, dopamine is a hormone and neurotransmitter that’s an important part of your brain’s reward system. Dopamine is associated with pleasurable sensations, learning, memory, motor system function, and more.
Oxytocin. Often called the “love hormone,” oxytocin is essential for childbirth, breastfeeding, and strong parent-child bonding. It also helps promote trust, empathy, and bonding in relationships, and oxytocin levels generally increase with physical affection like kissing, cuddling, and sex.
Serotonin. This hormone (and neurotransmitter) helps regulate your mood as well as sleep, appetite, digestion, learning ability, and memory.
Endorphins. Endorphins are your body’s natural pain reliever, which your body produces in response to stress or discomfort. Endorphin levels also tend to increase when you engage in reward-producing activities, such as eating, movement/exercise or sex.
Imagine a world where you are operating and in-synch with the best version of yourself who is brimming with these hormones day after day! What kind of beaming person might you be!
What if you don’t?
The downsides of continuing to live a life of disconnect to, disregard of, or ignoring your pleasure possibilities, is that it will build up and affect your cortisol hormones (stress levels). You may end up not being the person you desire to be, or believe somewhere deep down that you are capable of being. There may be an in-congruency with who you are and the life you would like to lead for yourself. This in turn might lead to bitterness, resentment, affect relationships, careers, and long term health. In case you need a reminder of how short our lives are, read the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying.
Ultimately this can also boil down to a damaged self worth, for various reasons. If you don’t believe you deserve pleasure (of any kind), then that is where the hard work needs to begin and I would suggest you seek some professional support if this is the case.
Don’t be afraid
Don’t be afraid of pleasure. Of hearing it aloud, saying it, feeling it, living it. Individually and globally, you have an opportunity to reclaim this word and what it has meant. You can breathe new life into it, give it new meaning, make it your own.
Most importantly, there is no judgement here. For this embracing of pleasure to really maximise potential, there should be no judgement from yourself towards yourself either. Pleasure is such a unique experience. It’s all yours, whatever it looks like. You can be as creative or simple as you like. And whatever rises to the top, whatever you decide pleasure is, it is*. Own that. Start to step into that space, claim it.
Take it further
Here are just a few of my favourite female embodiment and pleasure-minded colleagues are listed here for your further reading, or other, pleasure:
Jenna Ward - Australian cis-white-female website, podcast, courses
Juliet Allen - Australian cis-white-female website, podcast, courses, products
Podcast SWOON - Two American cis-female professionals who keep it real, light and wonderfully inclusive on a wide range of important, sometimes hard and taboo topics.
General movement practices like 5 Rhythms, No lights No Lycra, Dancing in the Dark, Kundalini Yoga.
So I invite you now. It’s time to reclaim this dirty word. Bring a little pleasure back into your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, actions, goals and life. Where will you start?
*This obviously excludes behaviours that are harmful to others (without their consent), criminal, abusive, exploitative or in any way, shape or form violate human rights.
