The Sticks & Stones Spectrum
The saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” has been around for a while and is originally, primarily intended to encourage children not to be violent, to be indifferent to insults, in religious circles “to turn the other cheek”, to imply one can stay regulated without being reactive, to not be inflammatory, and to tolerate differences.
However imprinted incorrectly, it can have damaging effects of tolerating inappropriate and unreasonable behaviour from others. The saying may imply minimising our experience or the impact of someone’s words on us, which is not ok and teaches us to lower the bar of expected, respectful behaviour. We have a right to feel upset and express our hurt, effectively and respectfully, about people’s ill-treatment of us.
How we use our tongue, our words, every element to speech (tone, volume, pace, the words we choose, implicitly said and explicitly said, subtext, etc) is so powerful - it can be helpful or harmful. It can connect or rupture. It can repair or wound. The ripple effects of our language and words may be unknown to the offender as they may still choose to believe their narrative about you and continue on with their life, oblivious. But the truth is, you may be left in shock, having to heal and do the work on recovering from their verbal attacks or abuses.
Let’s explore the nuances of some of the “sticks and stones” types of communication:
Gossip - “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true… idle talk or rumour, especially about the personal or private affairs of others; the act is also known as dishing or tattling… Some deem it as light chat or talk / general talk that is damaging to reputation.” It is also defined more broadly by researchers as “talking about people who aren’t present,” says Megan Robbins, an assistant professor of psychology at The University of California, Riverside. With its’ origins in historical spreading of large news to the masses (OG social media), it can also help us navigate complex social behaviours. HOWEVER, it has a bad name and rep for a reason. Because when the information is unchecked against the source and assumptions are made or narratives get twisted, it is harmful and serves no greater purpose. It simply becomes mean comments where you don’t learn anything and no-one is benefiting. It is a shallow way of forming bonds and pseudo connection with others, a time filler/waster and ultimately affects your own reputation.
Attack of character - a deliberate and sustained effort to damage the reputation or credibility of an individual, the intentional effort to destroy the public confidence in that person. The phrase "character assassination" became popular from 1930-ish. Reasons people do this originate from them feeling intimidated by another. People who feel good about themselves never have to discredit others to feel more powerful.
Defamation - Uniform defamation law now applies in Australia. Anyone who has had damaging material published about them can take legal action against authors, publishers, broadcasters and distributors to defend their reputation. Several defences or justifications, including truth, are available. Any person can sue for defamation under the principle elements of: (1) the communication has been published to a third person; (2) the communication identifies (or is about) that person; and (3) the communication is defamatory. It doesn’t matter if the intention to be defamatory existed or not. It’s usually enough if:
the words reasonably lead persons acquainted with the complaining person to believe that person is referred to, including innuendos or cartoons.
that the material discredits the person's character and reputation.
Slander - Libel is the publication of defamatory matter in permanent form. Slander is the publication of defamatory matter in non-permanent form. Something defamatory that is printed in a newspaper or book was called libel, but the same thing, if spoken, was called slander. They are both actionable torts that have caused damage to a person’s reputation. You’ll hear the term ‘slander’ in the media but not in the legal industry because you can’t technically sue someone for libel or slander in Australia. The terms no longer exist and now both fall under the term ‘defamation’. Spoken defamation (slander) while suable, can be harder to prove than written defamation.Witnesses and recordings would be ideal to prove this. Interestingly, the onus is on the defendant to prove that they did not defame the plaintiff.
Verbal abuse - Includes name-calling, excessively using insults, criticizing and judging, degrading, threatening, screaming/yelling, manipulating, belittling. It is real but more complex to prove and can have extremely damaging effects. It is usually about a person attempting to exert control over or inflict hurt by their words. It can occur in any relationship, not just intimate ones. Depending on which state in Australia you are in, verbal abuse may be classed as emotional abuse. A person being verbally abused can apply for an AVO against this behaviour. Emotional abuse or intimidation means: (1) A person must not pursue a course of conduct that he or she knows, or ought to know, is likely to have the effect of unreasonably controlling or intimidating, or causing mental harm, apprehension or fear in, his or her spouse or partner; and (2) a course of conduct that includes limiting the freedom of movement of a person's spouse or partner by means of threats or intimidation.
Examples of emotional abuse in partnership/s:
blaming the person for all problems in the relationship
constantly comparing the person with others to undermine their self-esteem and self-worth
sporadic sulking
withdrawing all interest and engagement (for example, weeks of silent treatment)
emotional blackmail and suicidal threats
gaslighting
threats
using offensive language (usually means anything that could shock / upset a reasonably tolerant person)
often shouting when approaching you
comments that hurt self-confidence or a person’s sense of reality
undermining your opinions, feelings, and judgment
intentionally embarrassing you in public
lying or flipping the narrative
What you can do / How to respond:
Be yourself. Ultimately, when you are true to yourself and have done the work to check yourself privately or in therapy settings, trust yourself. Be grounded and breathe. Hold your head high, shoulders back and breathe deeply some more. Check the ‘fake news’ you’ve heard about yourself, the gossip and rumours people have let slip, the verbal abuse someone said to you, with others who’ve known you for a long time. Go to your longstanding trusted circle and/or professional.
Be unbothered. Don’t take it seriously. Remember your own integrity.
Rebuild your self-trust. Let’s not beat around the bush, it hurts. Recovering from any part of the sticks-and-stones-spectrum can be painful and tricky. It’s ok to feel hurt but allow yourself the respect to take the time you need. Come back to your own truth, experience and integrity.
Live well and be proud. Know that the best revenge is living well and in your own quiet truth and power. You don’t have to be loud about it. Those that get it, who get you, will get you.
Ignore them, especially if they're trolls. Don’t respond or buy into it. It will only fuel the monster. They are looking for a rise and a fight. Ground yourself and switch off the notifications or communications from it. You may also need to block certain people from your life, temporarily or permanently.
Letting go. There is a time to defend and a time to let go. Some people find that doing a cost benefit analysis of what is worth their time, energy, mental and emotional space helpful. You get to choose how you invest those precious, limited resources. Do the self reflection work to make sure this comes from a grounded, clear, healthy space within you, not from a fawning place. It is a choice from your power not oppression.
You don’t owe anyone any explanations. Sometimes if people really want to believe something about you, they just will. Sometimes people will also try really hard to get you to believe that too. This is where your integrity and self-trust comes in. Stand by and up for yourself - sometimes no-one else will. Hold your ground. You don’t have to be aggressive about it. Clear, firm, calm responses (if any) are best.
Express what’s not ok. You don’t deserve to be treated unfairly or with disrespect, and certainly not with abuse. If you can / it’s safe to do so, practice communicating “hey, when you said XYZ, that actually hurt me and is not an accurate account of me or my character” or “I’d prefer if you refrained from spreading lies about me or belittling me, in private and public”.
If you can, muster some compassion for that person (if/when safe to do so), and recognise them as having their own hurt somewhere inside of them that is manifesting in some unmet need to create harm, stories or make themselves feel less pain or appear bigger.
If you hear it, go to the source, trust your own gut or experience, or don’t get involved in facilitating it at all (step away). If you’re a bystander or witness, stand up for that person, intervene or be brave enough to use your own voice.
Remember, their behaviour says more about them than you.
People say stuff and it sucks, and you can’t always control the narrative. Often people need a bad guy for their story, or to make themselves feel better, or because they can’t handle something that you did / didn’t do that hurt them. Or because their lives are boring, they’re insecure, or have their own wounds and demons they have not yet faced.
If you are experiencing verbal abuse:
document what is happening and leave a notebook with a safe friend or at their house.
this externalising can help you see what’s happening and fact check with a trusted person. It can also be used later for charges or court if required/ chosen.
keep the lines of communication and connection open with your trusted, safe supporters.
consider talking to a professional or police, after seeking specialist advise and assessing your safety.
If someone you know is experiencing verbal abuse:
encourage the above, stay connected to them, listen without judgement.
acknowledge and validate their experience, believe them.
demonstrate that with caring and supportive words and actions, but not pity. Eg. “That sounds really hard.”
ask “What do you need?”
if you are concerned for their safety, consider helping them talk to a professional or police, after seeking specialist advise and assessing their safety.
