Slut shaming and CNM

It’s time to talk about the elephant in the room. In society. And it’s not even limited to the consensual-non-monogamy (CNM) community, nor the queer community. It’s everywhere.

Slut-shaming is rampant. And those operating in their chosen ways under the umbrella term of CNM, are often copping it the most. Especially womxn identifying.

And it’s NOT on. So buckle up. It’s soapbox (and clarification/education) time.

For those slut-shaming, I’m calling you out - you are not behaving in sex positive ways. Check yourself.

Slut-shaming is “the act of condemning a person for behaviour they deem outside the realm of decent or moral”. It is essentially bullying and deeply harmful. It can include criticising a person’s clothing, sexual activities or conduct. While anyone can be slut-shamed, it most commonly happens to female-presenting people and gay men. The word "slut" has been around since the 1400s, originally describing a “slovenly or poor woman” and then later in the 1960s it was a reclamation and referenced “women who enjoy sex in a degree considered shamefully excessive." 

Listen to that judgemental, shaming language! These days, the word slut is generally understood as a pejorative or insult. If someone is thought to be dressing in a manner that isn't demure enough, if they are too free with their sexuality, if they're the "other" person in someone else’s affair, or the other person in a CNM situation, if they have or have had multiple sexual partners, or any number of other reasons, they may be called a slut.

Now let’s add in the layer of polyamory or open relationships or other forms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). There are complexities, nuances and specifics that are easily overlooked to the narrow or closed minded, or simply the naive or traditional folks out there.

Because CNM is still largely a non-mainstream, non-dominant approach to relationships in our society, a lot of folks don’t understand it properly and still make lots of assumptions about it and the people in it. Including slut-shaming. CNM is not all about sex. But it can involve sex, and sometimes it does not too. Some folks, both in and out of the CNM community, end up accidentally slut-shaming those who do put sex as a value/priority in their relationships, or who engage in casual sex as well as romantic dating.

Polyamory is also not specifically or solely about sex. It literally means “many loves”, referring to multiple committed romantic relationships. Jessica Fern explains the variations further in her book, PolySecure, which I highly recommend. For example, some people in CNM lifestyles or arrangements, like to have multiple serious partners, others like to have one serious partner (nesting partner) as well as casual sexual partners in addition, and others may like only casual sexual interactions.

Any purely sexual interactions without romantic / emotional investment usually is referred to as casual, single or swinging. Interestingly, for the record, some CNM folks can also be a bit prudish or shy about sex, and are seeking deeper, long-term commitments. CNM is not just intriguing to many due to the freedom associated with pursuing multiple connections, but because you are doing so ethically, honestly and transparently - which some folks are not used to handling hearing about (even if they’re not directly involved in it).

Sex is more on the table as a topic in CNM communities because when you have multiple sexual partners, if you’re engaging ethically and consensually, you will be discussing all things sex (safe sex, practices, likes, dislikes, etc) much more than the average monogamous couple. CNM folks try to be their authentic selves and talk about (objectively / traditionally) tricky topics in an upfront, direct, clear and transparent way. To many others not practicing CNM, this in itself may seem extreme, wild, unconventional or ‘slutty’.

It’s one thing for community members to slut shame, but sometimes even one or more of your partners may be showing subtle or direct slut shaming behaviours. If so, this is very much not ok. They may try to guilt or shame you for your choices, and this is fundamentally in the realm of emotional abuse.

We all have, and are entitled to have, different ways of expressing our sexuality. Sex can represent different things to different people. It can be about romance, intimacy, deep spirituality, fun, adventure, trying new things, variety, exploration, etc. Also, here are some old saying that may be applicable here: don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, and people are often scared of things they don’t fully understand or haven’t been exposed to before.

We are also each responsible for self-managing a large portion of our responses to other people’s choices. If you are involved in a partnership way with a CNM person and having a tricky time with their desires for other types of sex / sex partners / arrangements, talk to them. Share your feelings, own them, try to use non-shaming/judging language. The conversation can be rich and connecting and honest, and it is entirely possible to end up even closer to each other than before. You never know what can be figured out unless you talk about it. Partners are allowed to feel insecure and scared. But they’re not allowed to encourage you to feel shame for your own choices about what you like or may like or have done with your body. People may not understand you, but they do need to respect you. I don’t particularly like sardines, at all. But I don’t make my partner/s feel bad about enjoying them because it’s something they really like to eat. Each to their own.*

Let’s be real real. Discussing CNM matters really asks a LOT of people. It does. Collectively, we’ve been conditioned to be quite privatised, elusive and shameful. We make a lot of assumptions in silence, for better or for worse. CNM practicing folks are pioneering the way in many ways - not because of multiple partner arrangements necessarily - but in practicing having regulated, adult, honest, connecting communication about intimate, vulnerable, challenging topics. It asks us to dig deep, identify what's going on in us, express that, stay regulated, listen to another while managing and being authentic about our human responses, etc. CNM practicing folks are required (choosing) to do this on repeat, over and over and over again. It is how the integrity of ethical CNM works. And it takes time, energy, effort, emotional resilience and capacity. It requires us to look after our basic needs (sleep, hunger, etc) so that we can actually physically turn up to those conversations with as much groudnedness and capacity as possible. So that we don’t to things like blow up, judge or yes, that’s right, slut-shame. It’d be nice if the rest of the community and society could do that too. Come at things with compassionate curiosity instead of assumptions and judgements.

Back off slut-shamers. Be gone. If you’d like to understand more about something that you don’t, then just ask. Or research, go get educated. Or keep your disgusting shameful discharge of opinions to yourself.

If you’re a person practicing CNM in any way, shape or form, be strong. Be with community, harness strength and support. And remember, haters gonna hate sometimes, no matter what you do. It’s ok, it’s not for everyone. But remember your worth. You don’t deserve to be slut-shamed and you are absolutely allowed to call people out on it.

*obviously eating sardines is very different to having a sexual or emotional interaction with another human being. But hopefully the general sentiment can be demonstrated.

For other interesting articles, check out Poly Land.