Partner/s Etiquette 101
So you have a relationship/s. How is it (or how are they) going? Do you know? Do you know that health status of your relationship/s? What is the quality of your relationship like? How does one begin to assess this?
At the outset, there are incredible world renowned experts on this that I will certainly not begin to compete with - they are amazing and you should totally check them out:
Where I am coming from, is going to cover some of the basic frameworks and then acknowledge the more unhealthy ends of the spectrum. If you’re interested there will be courses available for this content coming soon.
Human Rights Framework. You’d think this would be common sense and how we simply treat each other, but it is not. Human rights underpin peace and prosperity on a broad scale (globally, nationally and in community) - but also in the household or relationship/s too. Every person, yes, including your partner/s, has dignity and value. The way we treat our partner/s (through our attitudes, words and actions) should be in ways that fully recognise the fundamental worth of them as a person with human rights. We should acknowledge that they have freedom to make choices about their lives and develop into their own potential, live free from fear, harassment or discrimination, and to experience equality and fairness. One of the main principles is that these rights are the same for all peoples everywhere - regardless of gender, age, sexuality, class, culture, race, ability, religion, etc. So if your partner/s are on any different intersectionality to you, it doesn’t matter, they still deserve to be treated with human rights. If they earn less, it doesn’t matter. If they are a migrant, it doesn’t matter. If they were raised differently to you and have different thoughts or opinions on things, it doesn’t matter.
Your partner/s human rights include the right to life, the right to a fair trial, freedom from torture and other cruel and inhuman treatment, freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and the rights to health, education and an adequate standard of living. Values of tolerance, equality and respect helps reduce friction within society AND relationships. Using this basic framework as an initial starting point, helps us create the kind of relationships we want. It sounds too obvious to pay attention to, but if your partner/s is feeling frustrated with you because they’ve expressed they feel like they’re doing more of the household or domestic duties than you, then there’s an equity and fairness issue to address.
Convention of the Rights of the Child (CRC). As a side note, for those who are parents, this should also play a role in your household and relationship/s. Children as well as adults have human rights, but they also have the right to special protection because of their vulnerability to greater exploitation and abuse. The CRC recognises some basic principles like:
“respect for the best interests of the child as a primary consideration
the right to survival and development
the right of all children to express their views freely on all matters affecting them
the right of all children to enjoy all the rights of the CRC without discrimination of any kind.”
Unhealthy behaviours and attitudes to keep an eye out for - commonly known more these days as “red (or orange) flags”. The Duluth Model uses the image of a wheel to describe patterns and actions that a partner may use to intentionally control or dominate their partner. It is traditionally gendered due to the well known gendered nature of abusive behaviours in relationships, however we see these behaviours in Queer and non-heteronormative relationships as well as ethically-non-monogamous (ENM) relationships also. These “red flag” behaviours and attitudes are used to instil fear and intimidation to their partner to get them to do, or not do, something. The diagrammatic use of the Power and Control Wheel as a visual tool, helps make the pattern, intent and impact of violence visible and gives a language to what people may be experiencing or afraid to name up.
What can you do better?
Now that we’ve covered a bit of the spectrum of partner behaviours and interactions, let’s cover some basic etiquette that you can easily adopt into your daily life right now so that you and your partner/s may experience greater connection and closeness.
Acknowledge. We all want to be seen. Simply that. Find ways to express (verbally or through demonstration) that you see, truly see, your partner/s. Just for who they are. Nothing more, nothing less. This doesn’t have to be fancy: Make genuine and soft eye contact a little longer after the good morning kiss. When they talk, pay total attention and don’t get distracted. Ask an interesting question about something they’ve shared or how their day was. Buy them their favourite flower, coffee beans or dinner out. Bring over their preferred snuggly socks when it’s cold on the couch. Attend a rally you know is important to them. The little things that show you SEE them and what they like or what’s important to them, truly make a difference. This helps build and maintain connection. Don’t slack off.
Ask. Communication - it’s a classic, a no-brainer, and yet so readily avoided and commonly feared. Simply ask them, what is it that I can do better? How would you like me to show up better for our relationship/s? This is not being pathetic or grovelling. This is not passing the buck and avoiding thinking for yourself. (You should absolutely still be thinking for yourself and carrying your share of the mental load, by the way.) This is about simply asking to show you care about continual growth and improvement, aren’t willing to let things get stale or crunchy, and are invested in them and the relationship/s.
Offer. Take initiative and gift them something that has no monetary value and is not a material item. Find a way to gift them one of the above listed human rights. You could totally have fun with this and use your creative thinking… How could you give your partner/s the gift of time, space, freedom of speech, tolerance, equality and respect, etc.
Encourage. Be your partner/s biggest cheerleader and encourage them to invest in themselves (no, not at gym, that’s rude and body shaming, unless it’s a real health reason and previously determined and agreed to be ok to encourage mutually). To invest in their own unique interests, joys, pleasures, hobbies, development, progress, career, self-advancement. Having a partner/s who is flourishing is hot. Having a partner/s who is excited for stimulus and embraces their potential, is sexy. Having a partner/s who is curious and willing to try new things, even if it doesn’t go well or makes mistakes, is cute and adventurous. Having a partner/s who encourages this and not threatened by this, is fundamental and connecting. When your relationship/s includes mutual respect for each others’ endeavours (even if they are completely different and you even think they’re weird or borderline disagree with them *perhaps further investigation here, but you don’t have to love everything your partner/s do) without trying to change, influence or control them, that is healthy.
These basic suggestions don’t require much money or time. They simply require you to be real and connected to your partner/s. And if you have love and respect for them, then that’s not hard to do. And if you don’t have love or respect for them, then you might want to think about what’s going on and if you should be in a relationship/s with them at the moment at all.
So go on, love the hell out of them and show them, what the hell are you waiting for! Wouldn’t you want them to do that for you?
