What is trust?
You’d think we would have this downpat by now. But as always, there are new developments to add to our discoveries, especially in the self-growth, psychological and interpersonal relationship spaces.
Recently, I was completely taken with Brene Brown’s explanation of what trust is. In her Ted Talk for Super Soul Sessions, she breaks down the anatomy of trust into an easy to remember acronym: BRAVING. It’s well worth watching this. See where this shows up, or is absent, in your own life and relationships. How are you conducting yourself? How do you want others to be conducting themselves with you? What are you inviting or requesting from others in terms of how you deserve to be treated?
This is applicable in all relationship types and structures:
friendships, family, intimate partnerships
colleagues
professional arrangements, therapy, supervision, coaching
self
governments to community, country to country
Without these intentional actions and behaviours - Boundaries Reliability Accountability Vault Integrity Non-judgement Generosity - we are swimming in vague expectations and never ending potentially unclear and shifting goal posts.
The beauty of this model is that we can use it to clearly express how we desire to be treated, how we treat others and, ultimately, how we treat ourselves.
The thing is, we need to feel secure and stable in ourselves and our closest attachment (parental / intimate / friend) relationships in order to go out there into the world and be our full, vibrant, adventurous selves. This echoes the Circle of Security model for children’s attachment. Attachment theory forefather, John Bowlby, said "Intimate attachments to other human beings are the hub around which a person's life revolves, not only as an infant or a toddler or a schoolchild but throughout adolescence and years of maturity as well, and on into old age. From these intimate attachments a person draws strength and enjoyment of life and, through what he/she/they contributes, gives strength and enjoyment to others." (Bowlby, J. (1980) Attachment and Loss: Volume 1. Attachment. Basic Books: New York.)
Building trust through the BRAVING acronym is essential. It is clear, reciprocal and respectful. Through these steps we have a much greater chance of building stronger attachments to those we love and want to keep in our lives. It also makes it extremely clear, which I find rather affirming and useful, what behaviours are NOT included in demonstrations of trust. This will help highlight RED FLAGS in friendships, partnerships or workplace relationships even better.
Many clients come to see me after they are well advanced into their longstanding coping mechanisms in response to times when trust has been broken, bruised or completely absent in their lives. They turn up not knowing how to trust themselves, second guessing their own judgement /opinions/ feelings, and start to turn on themselves with self depreciating attitudes. They also say they want help to '“never end up in the same trap again” and “how can I spot the red flags sooner”.
Well, this is one model you can try. To walk through this world with integrity and finding fulfilment, we must continually strike a balance between bravery and vulnerability. Many of us have been hurt wearing our hearts on our sleeves too much, and many of us have also missed out on closeness opportunities because our defences or walls have been too far up. The balance of connection is in the middle - where we explicitly tell people what we expect, consciously make efforts to mutually invest in building trusting relationships, and we say “no thank you” to those who won’t/can’t participate.
What does trust mean to you?
Where does it show up the most?
Who do you turn to on those dark days?
What are some micro ways you can offer and show trustworthiness to those you cherish in your life today?
We learn who is there for us, when all of the glitter fades. It’s an interesting self-assessment to scan those in your life, and consider who is it that you pick up the phone to when you’re having one of those days.
Be the driver in your own life and create lasting, secure relationships based on trust so that you can get the most out of life, and ultimately feel secure in yourself in order to be able to be vigilant about who you filter in and out. Who is deserving of your time, energy and efforts? Knowing your worth is a fundamental part of being able to provide and request trusting relationships. If you have a tough time with the statement “trust yourself”, then see where you might be able to practice the BRAVING actions a little each day.
You’ve got this.
