Find your tribe through knowing yourself
We have known for thousands and thousands of years the importance of belonging and connection. And we know the mounting evidence that isolation is detrimental for our physical and mental health and wellbeing.
So when we get excluded, rejected or judged by family, friends, colleagues or society, it hurts. And can leave us wounded and at risk of negative impacts, especially when they are unfair assumptions, accusations or judgements about us.
Hence, the importance of finding your real tribe, AKA chosen family. These are people who truly see you, who get you, who you may share similar lived experiences or values with.
For some time, the Queer community has been very good at naming and cultivating the Chosen Family. This is a well-known term for when Queer folks may have experienced discrimination or exclusion from their biological family of origin due to their gender and/or sexuality. They often then go intentionally or unintentionally searching for belonging and recognition in the wider Queer community or sub-community. Here, they receive the acceptance, love, support and sometimes guidance that they deserve and long for. That we all deserve and long for.
People may also experience exclusion or judgement from others with relation to particular subcultures, kinks, interests or values.
Finding your tribe and chosen family does not have to just be about Queerness. It can be about finding people who truly understand you and accept you for who you are, without criticism, judgement or critique. Often, even friends or close relationships, may feel they are entitled to pass comment on you or what you’re doing with your life - often under the guise of care or concern. Sometimes this will even be cached in support, guidance or using their “intuition” or “energy”. Let me be clear, using intuition and energy is not a bad thing and can be a very real experience for many. However, it can be invalidating or discrediting, and still feel like judgement. The issue lies when someone is claiming that their intuition or energy is more right/ true/accurate/stronger than your own about yourself and who you are. THEN we have a problem.
One of the incredible benefits of doing ongoing self-development work, is that you start to get very good at discerning what’s your stuff, what’s someone else’s stuff, what’s bullshit, and what you know to be true and real in your own body and mind. You get so good at knowing who you are, knowing how to read and understand your gut’s cues, that there’s very little room left for self-doubt or people to swoop in and think they know you better than you do. So the moral of that story is, keep doing the self-development work! The more you are curious about yourself, the more you will learn, the more you will be able to shine and be comfortable with who you truly are.
The other sensation here, is a mismatch, an incongruence in what they are saying about you and what you believe and know to be actually true about you.
This can also be seen in intimate partnerships where one person is claiming something about you and trying to convince you that it’s true, to the point where you start to second guess and question yourself and begin to believe what they say about you. This is manipulative behaviour and should scream big warning signs to you that the relationship is unhealthy. This feels like gaslighting and can erode your own self trust. Seek external, professional help.
When we have time with ourself, tune inwards, we begin to truly know who we are, whether it’s Queer, or enjoy a certain kink, or are a confident speaker, or really good at dancing, or whatever the situation is. And when you feel the clash in your gut and body when someone else (no matter who it is) is trying to convince you otherwise, then you can confidently and with integrity say they are wrong, thank you very much. Here you are faced with a choice. You may choose to continue to try to have a relationship with them, convince them back that they are wrong, defend yourself, go at great lengths to do so sometimes, even. You will need to weigh up your energy and capacity for this, as it may require a lot from you, take up a lot of time and potentially be traumatising/re-traumatising. You may also choose to let that relationship go, either temporarily or permanently, or set new boundaries for yourself around how and when you engage with that person… and you may begin to gravitate to finding your real tribe.
Let me encourage and reassure you, that when you really do find your real tribe, your chosen family, you’ll know it. You will feel so grounded, calm, at peace, stable and secure within your own full self. You will not be judged or ridiculed or accused. It will feel like a coming home. Because you belong alongside others who relate or resonate to the topic/characteristic/behaviour/belief system/ identity, etc, that it is about, that you share or have mutual acceptance for. You will not be alone. You will not be isolated, it wasn’t just you against the world all along. There are other people like you. And we need to find each other.
There were several times in my life when I thought I’d never find other people like me, who understood me, liked a few particular things I did, or wanted to go about my life the same way I did. It felt isolating and a bit scary, to be honest. But I didn’t give up. I didn’t change myself to fit in with others. I stayed true to myself. I kept going about my ways, my life, in the style that felt authentic to me. And when I did start to find similarly minded folks, my goodness, it’s one of the truly most comforting, connecting things in the world.
It might be sad letting go of people you may have truly cared about or had a good connection with or even been blood related. You may need to acknowledge this grief and take time and action to process it. But the trade off is worth it to feel seen, understood and accepted. It is not worth being in any relationship where these things are not present. You, my dear friend, deserve more.
So go on, go find your yourself, and then go find your tribe.
