Is it ok to be jealous?
Too much of anything can become unhealthy, but a little jealousy is not always bad or unhealthy from time to time. Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and like all our emotions, they're here to tell us something about ourselves, a situation or what we need. In a relationship/s, jealousy can sometimes just mean there's something you need to communicate to your partner/s about your insecurities, needs, boundaries or desires.
Part of the reason jealousy causes us to feel so uncomfortable is that we typically think of it as a toxic and unhealthy emotion - something to rid ourselves of ASAP. So we add on a layer of self-blame or even a layer of fatality (for example, if there's jealousy in the relationship, it must be doomed). Yet thinking this way is precisely what makes jealousy feel insurmountable, even though ‘negative’ or uncomfortable emotions are a totally normal thing to feel.
Jealousy is a reaction to a (real or perceived) threat. It is usually in response to compete for someone’s attention or fear that something will change or be taken away from you. Like all emotions, it requires awareness, curiosity and effort to move through and handle. Like most things, jealousy sits on a spectrum and at the unhealthy end it can become so intense or overwhelming that it may lead to dangerous behaviours like stalking, harassment, control, possessiveness, or physical abuse.
Jealousy can be a mirror of our innermost thoughts. We can sometimes then project the emotion onto our reality and relationships. It can also create imbalanced dynamics and patterns, like mistrust, paranoia, breaching of privacy, etc. Jealously often runs on assumptions and can make you imagine circumstances that aren’t there.
There is still a lot of hope and evidence that jealousy may not need to be as feared or outcast as we have been socialised to believe. With intentionality, respect and compassion (for self and partner/s), it can be nurtured into something even stronger. Even though jealousy can be problematic in relationships, it can be redirected and reframed into productive, meaningful avenues for growth and acceptance. Within healthy relationships where two or more adults can practice compassionate communication, there is a strong chance you can express how you feel, experience validation, possibly receive some reassurance, and work through any strategies that may be helpful in order to maintain connection and self or co-regulation. People often report feeling closer after expressing their vulnerability about feeling moments of jealousy if their expression is received with care, kindness and attention to that person’s underlying needs.
Experiencing moments of jealousy can be correlated to the acute stress response also better known as Fight-Flight-Freeze-Fawn. This automatically happens to our bodies when we're presented with a threat like a predator or a car coming at us or scared or angry. Those feelings are very much related to jealousy. If you think about jealousy in terms of the fear of losing something or feeling like it's unfair that someone has something that you don't. In either case, there's elements of being agitated or being angry or being scared or feeling threatened and so it's bringing up some of the same responses physiologically. Those can be things like your heart beating faster, sweating, breath rate increases, muscle tension, you might get sleepy in some cases or shaky in other cases. You might have things like butterflies in your stomach or sinking feeling in your stomach. That can happen because blood and oxygen are being redirected it’s resources to the things it thinks you’re going to need because the idea is that if your body is preparing to protect you from a threat. That means it's shutting down other parts of your body that are not needed.
Interestingly, the threads of jealousy can also be seen through the lens of attachment theory. Some of us may be more susceptible or sensitive to jealousy than others based on whether you have a particular attachment style. If you sit more on the anxious attachment end of the spectrum, you may be likely to experience jealousy more often or more significantly because there is a longstanding pattern of connection since childhood that says “If a person leaves me, I am not ok and I might need to do what I can to get them back”. If you sit more on the avoidant attachment end of the spectrum, you may feel jealousy but ignore, numb, suppress or deny it because you learnt in childhood that “people are unreliable and I can only depend on myself to meet my needs”. People with a more secure attachment style tend to have a fairly healthy opinion of themselves and of other people. They're more likely to be trusting, less likely to constantly be worrying about the state of their relationships and be ok to self manage when left alone if a partner/s is out, away or unavailable.
Society has also influenced some people to feel that if a partner doesn’t feel jealous that they don’t love them. Or for others, that they are entitled to feel jealous as a sense of ownership over another person. Both of these cases are twisted and toxic variations, beliefs or interpretations on jealousy that are unhealthy.
Here are some initial approaches for when a feeling of jealousy comes up:
Ground & self-soothe. First, regulate or get help to co-regulate if distressed. The mind and heart are harder (near impossible, at times) to access if the body cannot be regulated.
Explore the root of jealousy. Try to identify why jealousy has become an issue and communicate openly with your partner/s about their point of view. Get a different perspective from a trusted friend or professional to help you see more clearly.
Focus on the present moment. The presence of jealousy can be an opportunity to discuss (or cross check?) the reality of your relationship versus the perception of what it should be or you wish it was.
Get resourced. This could be podcasts, books or therapy for a more tailored support option. Try not to stay in your own head about feeling jealous as it can make you feel like you’re going crazy or around in circles. Take charge and inform / arm yourself with the knowledge and research of others gone before you. You do not have to handle this on your own.
Normalise. Jealousy is a natural emotion, but it can create quite a challenge for even the strongest relationships. Whether you notice jealousy in your partner or yourself, understanding why jealousy is present is crucial to the relationship’s survival. Try to observe how jealousy affects your relationship and explore the root cause without judgment.
Create an atmosphere and culture of trust. All parties in a relationship are responsible for facilitating an atmosphere of trust, which is inherently built on consistent, repetitive and reliable expressions and behaviours. If one person wants things to change, then talk about it transparently and respectfully.
Create norms that work for you. Vagueness, ambiguity, assumptions and presumptions are detrimental to relationship health. The more explicit the comms can be, and the more nuanced and tailored to your situation they can be, the more you can have accurate and fun strategies that meet your relationship/s needs. For some, flirting or dancing with others is no biggie, and could in fact be a turn on. For others, that’s a hard no. For some with multiple partners, texting other partners in your presence is not ok, while others may be fine to go all have coffee together. It just depends on what feels ok for you.
It may take time, but you can overcome jealousy with an openness to communicate and an ability to employ gratitude toward your partner and relationship.
There are some really helpful podcasts on the Multiamory Podcast for further exploring of this topic.
Recognize When Jealousy Is Abusive
If a partner is jealous for no reason, this could be a red flag. This is especially cause for concern if the jealousy includes extreme anger, unrealistic expectations or requests (like going through your phone), and unfounded accusations. Another concern if this is a repeated, ongoing pattern of behaviour. Abusive or unhealthy jealousy is also characterised by attempts to exert control over another person/s, never leaving them unattended, or asking invasive questions about your activities. If you are regularly defending yourself against your partner's unreasonable or accusatory questions, that is a red flag. Jealousy can easily cross the line into controlling behaviour. If your partner, friend, or loved one monitors your behaviour or whereabouts, makes false accusations (for example, even saying that you are selfish for going out with your friends), or tries to isolate you from people that trigger their jealousy, the relationship has become unhealthy and potentially dangerous. Seek help.
