How much privacy should I have in relationship/s?

Apr 3

Privacy VS Secrecy VS Transparency

We are all trying to strike the right balance. Of pretty much everything. All the time. What to share and not share in relationship/s is no different.

Too much privacy can border on secrecy. Too little privacy and you may feel engulfed or enmeshed in relationship claustrophobia. So how can we be together without losing ourselves in our relationship and respecting our other/s? And when do these classic relationship components move from being healthy to unhealthy?

Let’s start with the basics of what is what:

Privacy: is about being on your own, with your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It is being separate to another, and comfortably so. It is about having a life, or parts of your life, that you don’t share with others. Privacy is one of our basic human rights and a basic human need. Without a private life, we cannot possibly shut out the world, drop our social mask, and discover who we are when we’re not being observed. Without a private life, we cannot truly know ourselves.

Without a private life (not a hidden life), you will “lose yourselves”, merging into a “we”. In the romance stage of relationships, some merging is perfectly OK and a necessary part of falling in love. Having a healthy private life is how you “find” (or keep) yourself without losing your relationship and is a healthy expression of your personal boundaries. The challenge is that in order to fall in love, you have to merge your boundaries somewhat, while keeping yourself. This is a practice called individuation.

Sharing things with your partner/s is essential for intimacy and closeness, but relationship privacy is also important. Being honest with your partner/s does not necessarily mean you must share every single thought, dream, fear, or fantasy with this person. You have the right to privacy in any relationship, to keep a part of your life private, no matter how trivial or how important, simply because you want to. You also have the right to spend some time alone and with only yourself. Healthy relationshipsh honour the sense of emotional and physical privacy needed for yourself and your partner/s. Otherwise, ironically, you end up limiting your intimacy with each other, not enhancing it.

*FOR US QUEER FOLKS: these issues can be extra challenging when we form, share or adopt friendship groups. This is common in queer relationships where you all catch up together and her friends become your friends and then its’ hard to invite one and not the other and you find yourselves doing everything together all the time and have no space left for your individual selves! Extra consciousness and communication and boundaries are required in such circumstances.

Secrecy: is intentionally hiding information, predominantly characterised by the motivation of either shame (because we feel bad about something) or fear (because we’re afraid of losing love/respect/loyalty/time from another if we share it). Another key trait is if our partner/s would feel upset at discovering you were hiding something or that they found out about it from someone else first.

Both are about withholding information in some form, however the intention and characteristics are different. Keeping secrets from a partner/s kills aliveness, erodes connection and promotes mistrust.

Common things people say when they believe keeping secrets in relationship/s is a good idea:

“They might not be able to handle it…”

“I don’t want to hurt or upset them…”

“What good would it do sharing it?”

“Some things are better off left unsaid…”

“We have a don’t ask don’t tell policy…” (On this - if you value emotional intimacy and personal growth, this approach does not facilitate that. It is through being vulnerable and knowing each other deeply that we grow as people - individually and with others.)

If you’re unsure of whether or not to share the thing you’re withholding, consider this guideline: If you’re feeling shame or fear around sharing it, or your partner/s would feel angry or betrayed if they discovered this information themselves, share it. Find a way, ground and prepare if needed, but be brave and respect the connection you have, and share it. You are more than likely to gain more respect and reassurance by showing your vulnerability in sharing. It can actually also bring people closer together afterwards. (NOTE: This assumes that you’re not in an abusive relationship where sharing your secret may result in physical harm to you or someone else.)

Transparency: in basic form, is the accessibility of information. Transparency is a way of relating to your partner/s in which you reveal your inner self, your true experience. This means exposing your vulnerabilities and fears, as well as your desires and points of view about whatever issues you're discussing.

Transparency is about being open and revealing about yourself to your partner/s, letting go of inhibitions or defensive feelings, and inviting someone to know the real parts of you. It is part of living an authentic, integrated life. It doesn’t mean you tell everyone all your dirty laundry or are inappropriate. You tread a self-compassionate, grounded, boundaried but open line. A lovely side benefit is that this usually results in greater compassion, gratitude and receptivity for our partner/s reality, desires, fears and differences too. When one person is brave enough to initiate this, usually the other person follows, thus becoming reciprocal and attuned.

Studies show that when people are truthful about themselves , they experience more relationship intimacy and wellbeing, have less negative judgments or assumptions about others, less separation / divorce, and better overall healthy. Even though transparency can be painful, perhaps even relationship-threatening, it's more likely to open the door to strengthening the foundation of your relationship.

Think of transparency as the antidote or preventative medicine for the decline or slide into emotional, spiritual or sexual decline. Keep that early-relationship spark ignited throughout by facilitating a balance of connection and mystery.

Try out these ideas:

Know yourself first. Spend time discovering your own inner world first so that you can know what to share, with whom, and when. Do this through self reflection activities - journalling, nature, meditation, mindfulness, creative expressions, etc.
Create safety. Co-facilitate feelings of trust and safety by making intentional efforts to be present, offer sharing moments and non-judgemental, curious inquiry - find a pace that feels right for each of you.
Reveal something about yourself -- your inner life -- to each other. Make it something you haven't expressed before. It might involve some fears, aspirations, desires, thoughts - about anything.
Allow room for each other to grow and evolve. Tell each other what you really want to be living and working for, or towards, as you continue through life -- without judging what each of you reveal. Just receive it as new information about your partner.
Go deeper. describe to each other what your sense of purpose in life is, at this point. Why you think you're here, on this planet, at this moment in time; and what that means to you.
Share in-synch and out-of-synch observations. Reveal how you experience your work (or other important domain) at this point, and why you continue to do it. Explain to each other why it does or doesn't feel in synch with your true self, your capacities, your values, your vision of life.

Essentially, we are saying “this is me” and “I desire to truly know you too”. We have an innate human desire to be seen and known in return. This /doesn't mean that you and your partner are always on the same plane, but that you can learn to deal with it more healthily when you’re not with greater intimacy, trust, strength and compassion.

We need to acknowledge that practicing being transparent can be scary and hard. Many of us have not seen this modelled well enough, and only amplified in extreme ends of the spectrum in Hollywood - either sharing too little or over-sharing. It will take patience, self-love, mutual respect, boundaries, self-regulation skills and practice. It will take genuine desire to attune to self and partner/s, and to build deeper connections than you may have had previously. This is both a little stretchy - scary and exciting.

There’s also such a thing as over-disclosure - it kills the buzz, mystery and elements of surprise in relationship/s. For example, it’s ok to keep secrets when you are creating surprises for your lover/s.

To sum it up

Privacy is essential. Secrecy, not so much.
Secrets are distinguished by intentionally hiding information, feelings of shame or fear, and the fact that your partner/s would be upset if they discovered what you’re hiding.
Develop your private life. Privacy prevents you from suffocating from too much closeness and helps keep your loves attracted to you over the long-term of your relationship/s.
If you’re not sure what to tell your lover/s, use these two rules of thumb:
1) If your partner would feel angry or betrayed if they discovered this information themselves, share it with them.
2) If you believe that sharing the information will increase your partner’s understanding of who you are and how you came to be you, share it.
Practice transparency. If your lover/s ask, answer honestly. You could also practice initiating pieces of information or experiences in a measured way that feels safe for you.
Keep practicing critical self-reflection. You can't be truly intimate with your partner/s without being in touch with the innermost parts of yourself, too
Engage in relationship/s check-ins. Ask each other how things are going and genuinely take time to reflect (because you’ve been doing that so well in your healthy solo time!) and respond with grounded honesty.

Recognize When Secrecy & Demands are Abusive

If your partner/s is demanding unreasonable access to your private life, increasingly/excessively or repeatedly jealous, hyper-vigilant about monitoring your whereabouts and interactions with others or is prone to behavior that could be construed as policing, monitoring or spying, the relationships is becoming unhealthy and unsustainable.

This can be seen in situations where people are recovering from a relationship arrangement breach of some kind (eg. cheating, gambling, etc) and trying to restore the trust between them. Or enacting past toxic patterns, when there’s a lack of insight, or historical traumas.

Seek external opinions from trusted friends or professionals to help gauge what is ok and not ok. You are still entitled to your privacy even after breaching trust in some way. Expressing what is reasonable and tolerable to partners is key. If this doesn’t feel possible or safe, seek support. Over complying and relinquishing things like phones, passwords, bank accounts, etc is not a healthy or suggested strategy, as it only fuels the power imbalance and perpetuates an unreasonable expectation and sense of entitlement to another’s life. Talk it through with someone and seek support.

Highly recommended extra resources on this topic:

On Attachment Podcast Episode 57

Making Polyamory Work with Libby Finback - Episode 14/03/23 and 21/03/23