The Dirty Word Series #2: Mistakes.
Let’s face it. Mistakes suck ass. Generally they end up making us or other people feel rotten. It’s usually tied up with guilt, remorse, regret, sadness or shame. It’s a whole thing.
Sometimes mistakes are light, harmless and a little ‘oopsie’ will suffice. Other times, and we’ve all been there, mistakes can mean reviewing situations like relationships, finances, housing or your values. It’s a whole thing, alright.
The shitty taboo thing about mistakes, is that dominant Western culture has commonly conditioned people to not make them. And that’s impossible. Lives, families, personalities, communities, workplaces have been built on misconceptions and mis-teachings that mistakes are not wanted, bad and can imply people don’t know what they’re doing, are inadequate or incapable. All of this is false.
Mistakes may not feel great in our bodies and tummies at the time, but they can often be good for us. It is how we learn. It is how we grow. If we choose to. It can also be how we re-evaluate situations and what is important to us. Mistakes are also the nemesis of people-pleasing and perfectionism personalities. If this is you, listen up. You’ve got to make mistakes. Be messy, fuck up, fail, try again, get up, make more mistakes, figure out a different solution, etc.
If you want to be a person with a growth mindset or un-do perfectionism conditioning, then it’s time to give yourself permission (or even willingly seek out) opportunities to make mistakes.
Here’s a beautiful thing most of you may have already heard of:
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art. Every break is unique and instead of repairing an item like new, the 400-year-old technique actually highlights the "scars" as a part of the design. Using this as a metaphor for healing ourselves teaches us an important lesson: Sometimes in the process of repairing things that have broken, we actually create something more unique, beautiful and resilient.
It encourages us to see potential for beauty in reconstructing the broken pieces, the things that have shattered or gone wrong. Mistakes.
As people we often need metaphors to help understand, make meaning, and find strength, particularly as we go through adversity. Kintsugi can be a way to reframe hardships to remind yourself that you’re not a victim of your circumstances — and to help you come out the other side stronger. But like anything worth having, it does take work and self reflection.
Kintsugi practices for your everyday life:
Wabi sabi: admire and celebrate imperfections. A perfect life is not realistic. In Japanese, wabi means alone and sabi is the passage of time. Together, they teach us how to embrace the good and bad parts of ourselves and the asymmetry of life. Embracing all of us, even the imperfect parts, leads us to a stronger mindset.
Gaman: live with resilience. This is the ability to endure, be patient and remain calm. Everyone can practice gaman in everyday life by meditating, breath work or visualisations. If we focus on something as simple and fundamental as breathing, we give our minds a rest. Instead of focusing on negativity or mistakes, we can use these as opportunities to learn and grow. It helps us refocus on our potential.
Yuimaru: care for your inner circle. Valuing togetherness helps us heal through the strength and nourishment of loved ones. Being vulnerable with them can help us learn to receive care and compassion, realise what we value and want in life, and learn to not give ourselves a hard time for our mistakes. Deepening our relationships can help us be kind to ourselves. When we know that we have a good support system, we tend to take care of ourselves a little more. The whole idea about giving and receiving [has] emotional rewards.
Eiyoshoku: nourish your body. A positive mind to deal with making mistakes, starts with a strong, healthy body. Cooking and eating and moving can all be forms of self-care and meditation. Seeing and tasting food nourishes the body and soul. The body and mind connection is linked through the type of food we eat, so when we fuel our bodies with a simple, healthy diet, our minds will benefit the same way.
Kansha: cultivate sincere gratitude. Perhaps the most important concept in Kintsugi wellness is kansha, which is the act of expressing gratitude for the good and the bad, including when we make mistakes. When you realize everything that you have, you’re able to heal faster and be more resilient. Practicing gratitude is also about living in the present moment and not wishing for things you don’t have or didn’t do or didn’t do ‘well enough’. While gratitude challenges us to let go of our own ego so that we rewire our brains to see the positive not just the negative, it is about seeing and allowing the good and the not-so-good.
So go on. Give yourself less of a harsh time about all the mistakes you’ve made and are going to make. And just be. And be gentle. And be accepting. And grow from it. And maybe even laugh about it when the time is right.
