You are enough
(Inspired by someone with an attack of the “’I’m not good enough’s”, and then later by someone else with a case of the “I’m too much’s”). Thank you.
There are definitely times when these thoughts come for many of us. Sometimes it is prompted by an experience or interaction with someone, and other times it is out of the blue. Regardless, it is an attack on our self worth, dignity and deserving. And can be a tough road to claw ourselves back from, especially on our own. When these attacks come, they almost always tell us of an unmet need, an inner child wound… from a literal unmet need during our childhood, likely with a caregiver/s.
Let me share a story with you.
It was the 80’s. As a single mother of three, Janine had many struggles. Receiving Centrelink payments, running a household and putting three children through education was more than a full time job. She had no support from her own family and was still trying her luck with her own intimate relationships, without much success. There was little or no time for emotions, her modus operandi was ‘just get on with it’. It had to be. There were things to be done. Janine created structure, routine, discipline and expectations in order to manage. She was almost always ‘doing’ something. Emotional connection, real emotional connection, fell by the wayside. People around her were expected to follow suit. Including her children.
Janine had no time, space or emotional capacity to be vulnerable with her children. It was not intentionally malicious or overly abusive or neglectful. It was cached in the necessity of life. She did not know any better herself. She could only offer what she knew. And for the most part, she herself was in survival mode. She could be cold, tough and more often than not, just plain inaccessible.
Her children grew up. One, an overachiever, always striving for the next accomplishment and recognition. Perfectionism grew roots in this parentified first-born. They prided themselves on their academia and intellect, excelling at most things, desiring praise but deep down, what they actually desired was real connection. One, an emotionally stunted person, who gave up before trying and convinced themselves and the world around them that mediocre was good enough. Without ambition or curiosity for growth, this middle-born child who was left alone during the era of controlled crying, never really got a taste for emotional or vulnerable connection at all. So when their children came along, they did not know how to deeply connect either. One, a quiet personality by nature, never fully believed in themselves and struggled with depression for many years. This last born would shy away from any kind of praise or celebration and resent even acknowledging their birthday. They all suffered in silence.
Each child wanted and needed to be told and shown, that “You are enough. You do not need to be any more or less than you are. Come as you are, be silly, playful, I will spend time with you, let’s laugh and cry and make mistakes together, and I will show you that you are capable of existing in the world just as you are”. Whether they realised it consciously or not, this was what each child craved and needed to contribute to a secure sense of self and to be able to relate to others in adulthood.
On the surface, these are very common circumstances and characteristics. Below the surface, are hurting inner children.
This story is not to demonise a well-meaning mother, doing her best, by any means. It is simply to demonstrate how easily we can be wounded and continue on in these unhelpful self beliefs that we are not enough, into adulthood.
When the thought or feeling of “I’m not good enough” or “I’m too much” comes up for you, how are you treating yourself in those moments? Are you able to pause and gently be curious? Are you able to slow down, go inwards, take some time, breathe, be with yourself, find out where that comes from? Many of us can start to do our own inner child work if we simply slow down, quieten ourselves and our surroundings, breathe, observe, notice, don’t judge. If we can take it further, we will then also start to recognise that it is not our deficit or fault.. that by thinking that we are not enough, we are actually carrying the wound of our caregiver/s. If we are willing to explore it further, we will then start to realise that our needs were not able to be fully met in the way that we needed despite our parents (often) best attempts, and that is because of their own stuff too. Intergenerational wounds are real.
If you are gently curious here, I’d encourage you to check out the book/audiobook, “It didn’t start with you”, by Mark Wolynn.
When we continue the introspection and conversation further, it is not hard to see how we then go on to choose and fall into various unhealthy (or even abusive) relationships in adulthood, in misdirected and unconscious efforts to get our needs met of emotional connection, love and acceptance. Or how habits or maladaptive behaviours get formed when we turn to actions that try to fill or numb these voids. Our self development and healing starts with going deeper, always, in order to identify and break unhelpful patterns and shed old limiting beliefs.
If you can relate to any of the above, be gentle with yourself here. Start by seeing what can be expressed privately or with another trusted friend or professional. You are enough. Let’s begin the work of healing and showing you the truth of what it’s like to be enough.
