If only I could say what I really think!
How many times have you thought that!
But have you ever paused to consider why you feel that way? And in what circumstances? When are the times that you feel like you can say what you really think? What is it about the internal world and the external world that is sometimes so hard to match and be congruent? Why is the disconnect so damn real?
From a gendered perspective, many womxn feel they were raised to be polite, considerate of others feelings (often before their own), and consider any potential outcomes before opening their mouths. We know that mxn have predominantly been raised to speak their minds and have been celebrated for being loud, leaders and boisterous. Add a cultural intersectionality layer and we begin to see even more complexities about familial and social norms, as well as possibly even religious beliefs at play (like men being the leader of the family or household). Add other intersectionalities of disability or sexuality or class and the influences become like a never ending kaleidoscope.
Almost any modern day womxn is up against thousands of years of social conditioning, family expectations, workplace pressures, reputation threats, not to mention her own inner dialogue which may have taken on the oppressive and negative voice of others over time. Many womxn I speak to describe difficulty with their inner critic telling them to second guess themselves and that they don’t have a right to think let alone speak their thoughts or feelings out loud. After a while, they may begin to completely close off, withdraw, speak from a place of inauthenticity, overcompensate, align with others’ values (not her own), or let the void between herself and her trust become so vast she cannot remember the last time she genuinely felt self-trust.
If only it were that easy… To just say what we really think or feel.
To begin the process of un-doing, un-learning and even un-performing might be daunting but it is possible. It takes willingness, reflective capacity, patience, time and above all, self-compassion. Self-compassion in order to be kind to herself when she realises she has not been true to herself and thus unable to speak her truth. Self-compassion because she needs to understand that it is simply not her fault that she finds this so difficult. That it’s not just that straightforward. I’ve quoted her before, and I’ll happily do it again:
“When women learn how to please, we forget who we are. When women lose themselves, the world loses its way. We do not need any more selfless women. What we need right now is more women who are full of themselves.” ~ Glennon Doyle
What we need is for each womxn to tune in to themselves, hard. To spend time with themselves. To listen to themselves. To truly be curious, introspective, to be willing to turn over rocks we’ve had hidden (and used to hide things) for years. When we really get to know ourselves, we can speak our thoughts, we can speak our feelings. We can share with strength and without fear of repercussion. Yes, in reality, there may well continue to be real risks, oppression within systems and people that need significant changing. But it must start somewhere. I cannot overturn governments, systems, workplaces or cultural norms that say it’s ok to own a womxn as a possession, for example. I deeply wish I could. But what is in my circle of influence, is to empower individuals and groups around me. To help one more womxn on her own journey of self discovery. And to do this safely.
If you have been curious about what your own voice sounds like, or felt disconnected from yourself for a long time, it’s time. Aren’t you intrigued about what you might really sound like? Or what could be possible?
