Confused as to why you’re the one apologising when you’ve called them on their sh!t?
So are many other people. This is one of the number one things I hear.
“Why is it that after I raise an issue with my partner about something they’ve done and we have a discussion or an argument about it, I find myself being the one to apologise?? I’m not the one who was rude/did something wrong/broke our agreement… I’m so confused! What is happening??”
Confusing conflict is one of the most infuriating things in relationship.
If you find yourself baffled after arguments, head spinning and bending over backwards for your partner/s, then it is ok to pause and review what may have just happened.
This may be a manipulative situation or strategy. It may be done consciously or unconsciously by your partner/s as a means of gaining/re-gaining power or control in the situation.
Womxn often report their words have been twisted or misunderstood when conflict arises in their partnership/s. The very clever, nuanced ways a partner can do this are varied and often meticulous in their detail so as to go as unnoticed as possible. Partners may be diverting attention away from their own behaviour and undermining your self trust in the process. Partners may pick one or two minor elements of something you have said or done, or a tone that wasn’t to their liking, and hone in on that as being offensive, instead of owning their own part in the conflict. Partners may present this as being such a significant and monstrous wrong that they will have you believe that they are so deeply wounded and hurt by your behaviour that they cannot believe you could ever do such a thing.
This twist of focus is cunning. It distracts and diverts. It bombardes and baffles. It erodes your self trust and has you thinking that you really did do something so incredibly awful that you are the main wrong do-er and needs to apologise.
This tactic of manipulation will often go hand in hand with stonewalling, gaslighting, verbal abuse or threats.
If this has ever happened, or is happening to you, you may find yourself worn down by these interactions and end up conceding or appeasing your partner to simply avoid the attacks. This is fawning behaviour and the body often chooses this as a safer or less onerous solution for some, usually without your control. You may find yourself second guessing how you got to this place and how every time a conflict occurs, no matter how it started or even though you were sure your partner did the wrong thing, that you are the one apologising. If you start to notice this trend, stop. Stop engaging in these conflicts if you can do so safely.
Start to share with an external trusted loved one or professional. Start to describe what is happening and see if they can help you unravel or understand what is happening. It more than likely will not make sense to them either and sound irrational or unjust. If their response appears as confusing as yours, then this is an indication to seek professional support to dissect these interactions further. It may be that your relationship/s could benefit from a mediator or couples therapist to be a neutral observer. If may be that you have another informal person present if you can when conflict may arise or be brought up. It may be that you try to cease engaging in such conflict at all and see what kind of response this has.
Regardless, you do not need to be apologising for things you did not do or that are unreasonable, especially if it is under coercion, duress or manipulation. If you do not understand what is happening, then ask for a pause or a break until you can both clear your heads and return more calm and collected.
It’s like not signing a document that you don’t understand. Simply do not do it. It will jeopardise your self trust and potentially be used against you later down the track.
