Can ‘Nice’ People Have Boundaries?
(And Why It Feels So Wrong to Try)
“I don’t want to be mean.”
“I’m just not the kind of person who says no.”
“I couldn’t live with myself if they thought I was selfish.”
If you’ve ever had those thoughts, welcome. You’re not failing at boundaries. You’re doing exactly what someone deeply socialised to be ‘nice’ does when they try to make change: wrestle with their own identity.
When Boundaries Feel Wrong, Not Just Hard
Some people struggle with boundaries because they lack tools or practice. But others—often therapists, carers, helpers, lived-experience workers, recovering survivors, and highly empathic humans—struggle because setting a boundary feels ego-dystonic.
In psychology, ego-dystonic means something feels alien or unacceptable to your sense of self. It’s not just uncomfortable—it feels wrong, like a betrayal of who you are.
So when you try to say no, ask for space, or stop over-functioning in a relationship, it might not feel like growth. It might feel like you're being unkind, cold, or "not yourself"—even when you're being more aligned with your actual needs.
You’re Not Broken. You’re Fused.
Many of us grow up being praised for traits like being:
Helpful - “What a good little helper”, “Mummy’s special helper”.
Accommodating - “She’s always so generous”.
Easygoing - “You don’t mind, do you darling?”.
Selfless - “Such a good girl to let others go first”.
Emotionally available - “I know I can always count on you”.
“Mature for your age” - “You’ve always been an old soul”.
Over time, these aren’t just characteristics. They become identity. And identity doesn’t usually like to be challenged. Because it’s been soooooo deeply purposeful. For wiring human connection, belonging and attachment.
Helping becomes: I am helpful.
Saying yes becomes: I am a team player.
Keeping the peace becomes: I’m not difficult.
This is known as trait–identity fusion, and it creates real psychological resistance to change—even change that’s healthy or necessary.
So if you’ve ever asked yourself:
“Why is it so hard to just say no?”
It’s not because you’re weak or unclear.
It’s because your sense of worth and selfhood might be tied to how agreeable, self-sacrificing, or nice you are perceived to be.
The Socialisation of ‘Nice’
This fusion doesn’t happen in a vacuum. We are socialised—through gender norms, family dynamics, culture, and sometimes professional expectations—to equate "niceness" with value.
Especially for women, queer folks, and those raised in codependent or high-pressure emotional environments, being seen as nice, good, and giving becomes a form of survival. We learn:
If I upset people, I’m at risk.
If I disappoint others, I lose connection.
If I assert myself, I might be rejected.
And the world reinforces it: the “nice” girl, the “good” therapist, the “selfless” mother, the “reliable” employee.
So of course boundaries feel threatening. They poke at the invisible rules you’ve lived by for decades. And when a therapist, professional or coach comes along and suggests that you could benefit from working on some boundaries, it’s zero surprise that this might raise some tension, hesitancy or even hard core resistance. Of course it would.
Reclaiming a New Definition of ‘Nice’
But what if nice could evolve?
What if you could still be kind, caring, and warm—but also clear, boundaried, and self-respecting?
Reclaiming your relationship with boundaries isn’t about becoming harsh, selfish, or disconnected. It’s about making room for your full humanity—not just the parts that serve others.
Here’s what nice with boundaries might sound like:
“I really care about this, and I also need more time.”
“I want to be helpful, but not at the cost of my wellbeing.”
“I’m still me when I say no.”
Revolutionary mind shift: Boundaries, after all, aren’t barriers to connection. They’re the scaffolding that makes healthy connection possible.
Take a few breaths and ask yourself:
What does ‘being nice’ cost me?
What version of nice-with-boundaries feels truer to who I’m becoming?
You’re not turning into someone else.
You’re just shedding the version of you that equated worth with over-functioning.
You’re Allowed to Redefine Yourself
It’s not easy to rewire decades of identity. Especially when being needed, liked, or praised for your niceness has felt like emotional currency.
But you can still be thoughtful, generous, and compassionate—and protect your time, your energy, your needs.
You are still you.
And you are allowed to grow.
Ready to explore the intersection of identity and boundaries in your work, relationships, or inner world?
Let’s talk. Or follow along our socials, freebies and programs for more grounded, prompted reflections for helpers, feelers, recovering survivors and lived-experience workers, and change-makers.
