Anger, Narcissism or Abuse?
What’s going on and how can I tell?
It’s natural to want to try to attribute a partner’s abusive behaviours and actions to a condition that they could seek treatment for and possibly get better.
However, actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not a common diagnosable condition. People who use abuse in their relationships frequently display narcissistic traits such as entitlement, inflated ego or feelings of superiority. These are all a part of domestic violence dynamics so your partner may simply be using domestic violence towards you.
It has also become a bit trendy to throw around the work narcissist. If you are separating or divorcing a person with challenging traits, there are several resources to assist you.
Anger is often used as an excuse or rationale for abusive behaviours, similar to “being tired, stressed or under the influence of alcohol or drugs”. Anger itself is a normal human emotion. Its presence and expression can, and should, exist without the presence of abusive or violent behaviours. Anger management programs and counselling have previously been thought of as helpful in addressing violence towards intimate partners. They are not as they do not address the fundamental causes of gender-based violence, including attitudes towards women, power and control, addressing toxic masculinity, and deconstructing identities and stories. Evidence based behaviour change programs are very different to counselling and anger management and require specialist training to understand and manage the nuances.
Additionally, mxn have grown up in a society that has set and often continues to reinforce certain attitudes of what is is to be a mxn. Toxic masculinity refers to cultural norms and expectations of masculinity which shape boys and mxn’s lives including how to think and behave, such as being tough or dominant, self-reliant and suppressing emotions, or not liking things that are seen as ‘feminine’. Toxic masculinity is harmful to mxn and all people, and is linked to increases in suicide in mxn, and violence and aggression towards others. Recognising this takes an willingness to be honest, vulnerable and courageous to open up and unpack one’s behaviour and its’ influences. It takes guts for someone to be willing to do this. We can encourage all our boys and mxn to share these vulnerabilities and start having conversations about what influences their behaviour from a caring, compassionate perspective.
How will I know if he has changed?
The impact of gaslighting and manipulation tactics that are a part of domestic violence dynamics, can make it difficult to know whether your partner or ex-partner has really stopped their abusive behaviour for good. Some indicators that your partner/ex may have stopped their abusive behaviour includes:
no longer using violence, intimidation, coercive control or abuse towards you
taking responsibility for their behaviour
not projecting blame on you, someone else or blaming their pressures or circumstances on you
not making excuses
communicating openly and honestly about past abusive behaviours
supporting your goals and aspirations in life
respecting you, your feelings and valuing your opinions.
Checking back to the Equality Wheel can be helpful to identify nonviolence and describes the qualities of a healthy relationship.
Individual therapy is helpful for some issues of stress, anger, depression, a person’s own trauma. However it is not best practice for singularly addressing mxn’s violence towards womxn. Specialist groups are suggested here where sufficient holistic support can be wrapped around the person using violence and their partner.
