Types of DFV

Domestic violence refers to acts of violence that occur between current or former partners. A helpful factsheet and common questions can be found here.

While there is no single definition, the central element of domestic violence is an ongoing pattern of behaviour aimed at controlling a partner through fear, for example by using behaviour which is violent and threatening. In most cases, the abusive behaviour is part of a range of tactics to exercise power and control over others (predominantly womxn and their children), and can be both criminal, and non-criminal.

Family violence is a broader term that refers to violence between family members, as well as violence between intimate partners. The term family violence is the most widely used term to identify the experiences of Indigenous people, because it includes the broad range of marital and kinship relationships in which violence may occur.

People can experience domestic and family violence in their relationships with other family members. Older people or people with a disability may also experience domestic and family violence from an unpaid carer such as a family member, friend or neighbour.

Power & Control Wheel

This resource highlights the most common abusive behaviours or tactics that mxn use against womxn. This has been, and continues to be relevant, since it was first developed in 1984.

These behaviours are characterised by the pattern of actions that a person uses to intentionally control or dominate their partner, hence all segments stemming from the centre labelled ‘power and control’.
This is systematic behaviour to instil fear or compliance within the partner. Domestic abuse is about ‘power and control’ not ‘losing control’. Anger management is very different to using ‘power and control’ and does not address the fundamental causes of gender-based violence.

This tool is not gender neutral as it keeps the focus on womxn’s experience because the abuse of womxn by mxn continues to be a significantly gendered social problem.

When womxn use violence in an intimate relationship, the context of that violence tends to differ from mxn. First, mxn’s use of abuse towards womxn is learned and reinforced through social, cultural and institutional systems, while womxn’s use of violence does not have the same kind of societal support. Secondly, many womxn who do use violence against their male partners are being abused. Their violence is primarily used in attempts to respond to and resist the controlling violence being used against them.

Equality Wheel

Many folks ask “So what should a healthy relationship look like then?” , or “How would I even know what to look for, I don’t think I’ve ever been in one.”

To help guide this, the equality wheel starts to map the key components of what a more equal power and control playing field looks, sounds and feels like in healthy relationships.

It was originally also developed to help people using abusive behaviours to see what they were aiming for instead. It is useful to identify what might be missing, explore abuse and encourage non-violent changes.

This resource prompts elements of what a healthy relationships should include, and can be an initial start for anyone interested in considering the health status of their intimate relationship/s. If the suggested services are not relevant to your location, please feel free to contact me to find some that are near to you if you’d like.

Cycle of Violence

The cycle of violence is a pattern of behaviours that keeps womxn locked in abusive relationships. There are 4 phases:

1. Tension building. A perpetrator could be described as ‘getting edgy’, and survivors have described this as though they are walking on eggshells. It can also include standing-over or stone-walling behaviours.

2. Explosion / acute phase where an incident occurs. This is the peak.  The perpetrator experiences a release of tension and this behaviour may become habitual.

3. Honeymoon / Reconciliation phase. The perpetrator may express remorse, denial or act like nothing happened; but is still interested in making up and may even promise never to do it again. There may be excuses/blaming (stress, workload, alcohol, substances) or accusatory justifications like “you know it makes me angry when you do that”. It could seem as though the perpetrator has changed or is back to their perceived ‘normal’ self. Victim-survivors can feel confused and hurt but also relieved that the violence is over, and even hopeful or determined it won’t happen again.

4. Calm. Length of time in this phase varies, however the tension starts to build again at some point (with the victim-survivor usually never knowing what will ‘trigger’ him off again), thus continuing the cycle.

Understanding this cycle can help explain some of the answers to commonly asked questions.

Too often well-meaning but naive society members ask “Why doesn’t she just leave?”, not having adequate insight into the complexities and nuances of the relationship dynamics, tactics and contexts. This question is victim-blaming and risks over-simplifying a complex situation.

Arguments rightfully come quickly in response, such as “why is it that woman [and her children] should have to leave their home?", ”why can’t he leave?”, as well as “why is he using abuses/control/violence in the first place?” These are better, more accurate questions our society, media, systems, friends and families should be asking.

It is always important to note that while there are known commonalities, there is no one-size-fits-all model. It remains essential to be curious to individual circumstances, listen to understand, and use critical reflection. Further thoughts on the cycle of violence limitations are here.

DFV during Covid

Covid19 times brings new challenges for those already experiencing abuse in their intimate relationship.

There has been an increase in folks reporting experiencing abuse in their relationship, that the abuse has altered direction in some way, or new forms of abuse tactics are arising in response to the Covid19 conditions.

Whether it is a global pandemic or a different disruption, you might find the need for some tips in how to continue to keep yourself informed and safe.

There are a range of helpful resources here that consider the intricacies and impacts of Covid19 on trauma survivors.

Those nearby (family, friends, neighbours, colleagues) may need to pay even closer attention to pick up on subtle changes. Discussions of the bystander effect is not new, however it is important to remember that this is a key factor in preventing domestic and family violence.

Queer Abuse

Domestic abuse in LGBTQI+ relationships share similarities with other types of intimate partner relationships, however, there are unique factors such as ‘outing’ or the threat of ‘outing’ as a form of control and abuse associated with a person’s gender or sexuality.

Abuse in LGBTQI+ relationships is underreported and research shows us we need to know more about these nuances.

Queer abuse occurs within the context of systemic oppression and abuse directed towards queer peoples and relationships in general.

View 'Queer without Fear – LGBTI Domestic and Family violence and its Impacts'.

The Supernova Project is an inclusive website with brilliant resources on the variety of queer relationships, and is trans-friendly.

Gender & Sexual Identities

Developing or exploring your sexual and gender identities is a precious part of our identities. These are as equal parts of our identity make-up as any other part and deserve equal time, care and attention.

The Genderbread Person or Unicorn is an (evolving) image that helps separate out the differences between gender, sex, orientation and expression.

The Gender Centre has fantastic resources, if you are a parent or need to provide this to parents check out PFLAG.

Gender affirming care can save lives as we know that the suicide rate is higher for trans folks.

This guideline is used when providing gender affirming care for mental health. LGBTIQ+ Health Australia is a hub for resources and information.

QLife is a counselling service that kicks in in the evenings (3pm - midnight) once we clock off, if you need further support. Check out their Guides in the resources section for excellent info.

TransHub is a fantastic starting point to check out basics, questions and curiosities.

Sexual Consent

Sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape occurs within and external to intimate relationships as well as in the broader community.

Many folks assume consent, misinterpret consent, abuse consent, or simply do not understand the many different forms of consent. Enthusiastic consent is becoming common language and it is a concept that incorporates one’s whole being.

If it’s not a whole yes, it’s a no.

Rape within marriage only became illegal in Australia in the 1980’s. While the research is unclear about whether the law is an effective way to stop sexual violence in marriage, it is recognised that the law can strengthen social norms against violence, which then influence whether people perpetrate violence and how others around them respond to this. Research also suggests that women who are aware that violence is against the law are also less likely to blame themselves and this can help in their recovery process.

Sexual Development

Sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know; we aren’t taught as children what is appropriate and healthy and what is not.

Discussing sexual activities and developmental stages is unfortunately still fairly taboo and uncommon in most families and broader cultures.

In order to protect children, change intergenerational cycles of abuse and to perhaps understand what has happened to you in a different light, we need to start bringing into the light sexual development topics.

This traffic light resource aims to simplify behaviours that are healthy (appropriate, normal, expected) and unhealthy (cause for intervention, education, support).

With the help of a therapist, you can normalise, validate or challenge what you may have thought was weird, taboo, okay or not okay.

Online Courses.

Want to learn in the privacy of your own space? We know that sometimes talking to someone can be a bit intense. It often helps reduce some of the worry attached to seeing a therapist if people feel they can control the amount of information they receive, how they receive it and when they receive it. If this is you, have a look through some of these courses to see what might feel right for you.